Our Economy Hinges On Oprah's Weightloss.

I think we’ve all heard the news. Oprah has again skyrocketed to an unprecedented 200 pounds on a properly calibrated scale. But did anyone else notice, that by the time our economic situation skyrocketed to disaster on a properly calibrated scale in November, that by December Oprah issued a statement explaining her weight gain? Now, I know these things all happen in cycles, but it’s undeniable that two such major issues in our country’s media theater happen in such close range. What am I suggesting, you ask? Yep, you guessed it: The state of our economy depends on whether or not Oprah’s body mass index is below normal. I hope Gail still sleeps over since Oprah has started taking up so much room in the damn bed.

Since we will never be able to single handedly pinpoint one sole and contributing factor to our economy’s collapse, I’ll ask the hard questions. Such as, how can the one woman who single-handedly runs the world (screw Barack Obama) leave us in such a pit of economic despair? Oh right, because her cottage cheese ass is too busy planning what to wear to Obama’s inauguration. She’s not sure the one she has on the rack will fit anymore. Now, she claims she’s “embarrassed” and “mad at herself” at the weight situation she has found herself in and blames it on an out of balance thyroid. Why can’t we blame it all on an out of balance thyroid: The war, the recession, the threat of our job security, the social security pit being sucked dry and squeezed until our knuckles are white and the pores in the sponge collapse? No one knows why the economy is crumbling, and we’re all mad at ourselves and everyone else, just like Oprah. Maybe we all need a little diet and exercise. Maybe we can do this without the help of Bob Greene, personal trainer extraordinaire. Maybe a tax cut isn’t the answer, just like a calorie cut doesn’t solve all of your greasy, buttery, biggie sized problems.

As we have lost confidence in our economy and those who run it, we have also lost confidence in the leadership of Oprah. If she can’t do it, I’ll never be able to make it happen. This is the end of Oprah’s presentable body as we know it, and clearly we are on the verge of the end of our economy as we know it. So, if Oprah doesn’t get her shit in line, I fear the rest of us are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY. We should probably abandon trying to get thin and instead just focus on being strong, healthy, and fit. Oprah, take notes.


Side Note: Surprisingly, Word does not red underline squiggle "Oprah." She's just THAT big of a deal.