Like that blonde headed chick from Poltergeist would say, "WE'RE BACK!"
And we’ve been REALLY REALLY bad bloggers. Slap us on the wrists and don’t give us a cookie. Especially Katie D. That troublesome red head…
But I think we do need to address this Chris Brown/Rihanna issue. The pictures of Rihanna post-beating have been released and I am not going to post it here. If you want to see it, you can google it on your own time. I personally support the opinion that by having this photo circulated, Rihanna has been victimized twice.
Chris Brown is now claiming self-defense. That he only attacked her because she attacked him. Where the fuck are your bruises, Chris Brown? Where are they? Because I can see Rihanna's. Everywhere. And now 50 cent, who has such great street cred in domestic abuse situations, speaks out on the future of Chris Brown’s career.
For some reason, the future of his career is the main focus of everyone’s attention. "What’s going to happen to his image?" ask the old ladies buying Virginia Slims in the Dean & Deluca check out line. Who gives a fuck.
What is going to happen when a court rules against the victim, the woman, in this situation? When Chris Brown, because of his status, doesn’t serve time for beating his girlfriend, like every other high profile law suit, they never actually get what's coming to them; what message is this going to send? It shouldn’t be a question of careers, but of consequence. I don’t think the details of how or why this happened matters, but that it did. And the legal result of this needs to be one that sends a message to the general public. Beating women, beating people, is not ok.
Even if you are Ike and Tina, Tina dumped Ike, and she’s doing just fine for herself if you recall. And if Bobby did beat Whitney, it’s not like she could have felt it anyway, she’s so cracked out all the time. They’re still together, and what has happened to their careers? Nothing. They are non-existent. Except for drug infamy. Which, is that really what you want to be known as?
If Rihanna or Chris Brown end up with a reality TV show, I might have to shoot myself in the face.
Do you have any ideas as to what it would be called? Leave them in the comments...
Moral: Dump the dude, keep your career and he lands in the slammer.
Friday, February 27
Like that blonde headed chick from Poltergeist would say, "WE'RE BACK!"
Monday, February 16
Holy Balls a 13 year old kid is a dad. Yep. You heard right. He must really have some pretty holy balls if he managed that. (bad joke, I know. But I couldn't resist.) Alfie Patten, 13, of Britain and his girlfriend, Chantelle Steadman, 15, are the proud, underage parents of 7lbs, 3 oz, Maisie Roxanne, born Monday night in Eastbourne Hospital in East Sussex, Britain.
WHAT THE FUCK.
I mean, it is ridiculously commendable that the couple (…of kids) went through with this. But I mean. Really? Alfie, when asked what he is going to do financially, responds with “What’s financially?” in that cute little British accent of his.
First off, how did this happen? He looks like his balls haven’t even dropped yet. He looks like he is coddling his new born baby sister. Nope. He’s the dad. Awesome.
Second off, how is this going to pan out? I might have to subscribe to the British tabloids to follow this story…
So I asked myself, "Self, should you add in a little political message?" And my self answered, "Why the hell not?”
So, here’s my message: In a country where abortion is legal, a couple chooses not to go through with it, when I feel that in the back of everyone’s mind is the sentiment that maybe, they should have, you know, at least thought about it…? So, why all the fuss in America about it? I get it, it’s not exactly moral, but why does the government get to have all the fun in controlling a woman’s body? I’m pretty sure I would never get an abortion, because, let’s face it, I am birth control… but it’d be nice to have the option.
Kdone. I could go on, but I’m over it.
I think this might be one case where British is NOT sexy.
Cute jacket, Alfie.
Sunday, February 15
... is over. Congratulations, all you single people who survived it without killing yourselves. For your restraint, please enjoy this video of Stains, new supastar of the small screen (because of the lovely Joel McHale) and the internet because of everyone in the world who found this video and thought it was funny. To all of you who have a significant other, go fuck them, because you can. This video is not for you.
Poor Stains! Poor all of us. I'm ready for fucking St. Patrick's Day!
Saturday, February 14
Ok so as was mentioned a couple posts ago, I saw He's Just Not That Into You last weekend. However, I forgot to mention the most fucking exciting part of that trip: the commercial for HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!!1!!!ONE! So obviously, because I have nothing else to do with my time (who studies?) I started looking up interviews of the cast. That was when I stumbled upon this nugget of cuteness, circa 6 years ago. It's Emma Watson and Rupert Grint talking about their first movie, HP and the Sorcerer's Stone. I know they're all growed up now, but back then they were just eager young children ready to take time off from school to do some "wicked" films. For those of you who think of the two of them as sex symbols now, watch this and try not to be too much of creeps about the whole thing. But enjoy their lovely accents and vocab!
So everybody knows who Billy Mays is - he's that dude who was the King of the Infomercial before we met/fell in love with VINCE. Anyway so he has an infomercial out about this magic material that is apparently part clay, part glue, part magnet, part wood, and part mood ring (it changes colors!). To sum up, it's magic like all of his other products. The infomercial is full of his normal soft yelling, which is all well and good, but not that creative or original.
To fix this problem, an American Hero dubbed the infomercial to teach us about this product in the least-enthused and most-insulting way possible! He's sure to get a contract soon, because he showed the Mays just how this shit should be done. "Fuckin arts and crafts, whatever, I don't even... ok, mail." Genius!
So as a good television watcher, I of course Tivo the Ellen show just in case she has someone interesting on that I want to investigate (see: obsess over). I've sort of had a thing for John Mayer since I was in 7th grade - because, see, no one understood me and I just had sooooo many feelings - and he's still one of my favorite musicians, despite all these pesky rumors that he's a total douche in real life. Plus, Josh Groban had that one song that was kind of neat and I also find his voice rull purty, so I'm interested in him. So naturally, when I saw that Ellen was having JM AND JG on her show, I had to check it out.
Well the show started out well with a gorgeous duet by Ellen and JG (above) singing a romantic and touching song. It continued with Ellen's regular humor, a little of JM being a douche, and finished up with a FANTASTIC Grammy-themed game of Celebrity (one person holds up a pic of a celebrity over their head and the other person has to get them to guess who it is) courtesy of JM and Ellen. (Then they sang "Just Dance" in Ellen's bathroom.) But really, the game of Celebrity was ah-mah-zing. John Mayer knows his shit! He sang parts of songs from all the people he was hinting for, and he immediately guessed almost all the ones Ellen was hinting for. It was pretty damn cool and I was impressed. Clip below (and hey, it has Japanese subtitles if you're interested!):
First, I'd like to note that I've been a bad, bad blogger recently, because I haven't had a single post in like a week. I've actually been focusing on things like my schoolwork rather than celebrity news. That being said, though, last weekend I went to see the soon-to-be-classic "He's Just Not That Into You," and I LOVED IT.
So we're clear, I hate most chick flicks. Almost anything with Kate Whatever and Matthew Whoever - not into it. They're predictable and unrealistic. However, movies like Love Actually - where you can't really guess how it's going to end up and sometimes you're really unhappy with the endings (WHY didn't Karl and Laura Linney end up together??) - that shit I adore. Because that's the beauty of it! I like movies that have characters that are at least somewhat realistic, and who have stories that don't necessarily have to have happy endings (although of course you hope most of them do!) and that, my friends, is He's Just Not That Into You.
So without giving too much shit away, here's a summary: bitches and dicks ain't know how to treat each other right. Some of them are too desperate, some of them play games with each other, some of them don't really know what they want. In the end, some people break up, and some stay together, but mostly they make healthy decisions for themselves. And that last aspect, good friends, is the key to the movie. They make healthy decisions for themselves!
See, in most CF's, girls end up with guys who may treat them like crap or like goddesses - doesn't really matter, as long as they end up with the guy. Girls only have value if they're in a couple (what a depressing V-day message...). And guys settle for girls who are absolutely fucking CRAZY even if they're better than that(again, depressing!). Games are played. Hearts are broken. Tears are shed. Whatever. It's boring and predictable, and hopefully not particularly realistic - or else we're in big fucking trouble.
Anyway. Not in this movie. I saw it with my roommates and a whole theater full of girls and it was fabulous (actually, funny anecdote: the one guy friend in the movie theater was sitting right behind me. First, he and his friends commented that something smelled like mayo, which made my roommates - who had just gotten Chik-Fil-A sandwiches - sit a little lower in their seats. Then, when the bitch who played Audrey (Joey's college roommate) on Dawson's Creek came on, he correctly - and at the same time as me - informed his friend of how she knew who she was. Gay guy? I don't know, but I found it hilarious). Sadly, one of my favorite websites - watchmovies.net - has been shut down (according to my sources, this is because bitches don't want people watching movies for free) - so I'm unable to watch HJNTIY 300 times until I've memorized every line (like I did with Twilight), so I've had to satisfy myself with watching a million cast interviews about it. They all say the same thing I have ("My character is very realistic and the plot is just magnificent and the cast was a joy to work with...") so unless you're an obsessive freak like myself, don't bother to Youtube them. You should, however, bother to see the movie. AND don't leave until after the credits! There are extra "interviews" with the characters that are absolutely worth seeing!
Maybe I'm in a sappymantic mood. Maybe it's the estrogen. No matter, I loved it and Chatty Kathy loved it, so no matter who you are (yes, I'm saying we two cover the entire spectrum of human experience) GO SEE THIS MOVIE.
Oh and yeah, ScarJo was easily the hottest person in the film. Just sayin...
Wednesday, February 11
So I had an incident. Do you ever play that game where you are walking down the street and just judge EVERYONE? Well, I do. It’s a fun one. But especially da ladies. (insert Barry White voice) I scan, in this order: shoes, hair, glasses. And then go from there. Usually I can tell where on the Kinsey Scale these people land. But I never actually talk to them, therefore will never know and neither will they, so it’s just something silly I do as I people watch on the street. But this game led to an epiphany the other day. I scanned a person—shoes, hair, glasses—and this person had an UNCANNY resemblance to my good friend (my gay girl oracle, a SupaDyke, a 100footer, the person I like to walk down the street with so that I just look gayer to the common lay person) who describes her style as “Dyke Chic.” And Dyke Chic it is. Especially for an Asian Man. Yes, this person who could also have fit into all of the above epithets was actually an Asian Man, which led me to the conclusion that ASIAN MEN ARE ACTUALLY LESBIANS. The stylish, slightly androgynous, fashion butch lesbian.
Hear me out. Both have angular bangs/Mohawks/fashion mullets. The evolution of Tegan & Sara’s hair, if you will. Both can’t grow facial hair, so they fake having sideburns by integrating the illusion into their incredibly styled haircuts that shouldn’t take as long as they do to figure out in the morning.
Neither have very good butts, which is only perpetuated by the huge amount of Shane-clones that exist and Katherine Moennig’s (who confuses me more than any other lesbian/not lesbian ever. But her cheek bones are just fab.) skinny body constantly parading around naked. But, this could only be perpetuated by the skinny jeans both wear. Skinny jeans, no matter how fashionable they are, don’t do anything for your butt. (To be hipster, must not have butt. I’m halfway there.)
Scarves. Plaid. Knit Caps. Tennis Shoes.
And this underwear image came up during my google image search and it reminds me of another lesbian in her underwear…
I know this is slightly Shane-centric, but that skinny bitch is the poster child of dyke-chic. And to steal this joke from Liz Feldman, if you see a baby dyke walking around with 3rd season Shane hair, it’s because they’re not caught up yet. They’re clearly renting the seasons from Netflix…
And finally, they both have sex with women: UPGRADE!
Sunday, February 8
Saturday, February 7
So the gay is blogging about a movie called He’s Just Not That Into You. Yeah, I know why. Thanks. But no really. It was so good. I really, really enjoyed it. And EVERYONE was in this movie. EVERYONE. Who put this cast together? The star power is insane. I never thought I'd see the day where Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly were on screen together. Glorious.
But my gay observatory skills came in handy because the gays were everywhere in this movie! Almost every scene had some rainbow action in it. Mary’s (Drew Barrymore) office had a gay mug that was specifically in shots, not to mention the gay men, and the publication she worked for/advertised for was targeted at gay Baltimore. In the coffee shop scene, QUEER BALTIMORE screamed at you from the back of the newspaper. But my point here is subtle highlights of rainbows.
They continue into Anna’s (Scarlett Johansson) room when a terrible thing happens, there is a ribbon on her bureau. I know I’m being nit picky here, but it proves a great point. That if you subtlety integrate gay life in day-to-day society, it becomes unnoticed and the “othering” quality that the gay community endures compared to the majority slowly diminishes.
Because in He’s Just Not That Into You, yes the gays were there for humor, but also as a viable real estate market. And in hetero terms, especially today, if you are proven economically viable, you are validated in society. Tap into the gay money, tap into economic stability. Those gay men need to make money to keep up the lifestyle they are reputed to live. Hello. That makes sense.
And, in the audience, I’m sure no one else noticed these things and that’s good because even though it isn’t in the forefront, at least it’s there and is being washed over the masses. The more it washes, the more normal it becomes, the less people are creeped out by the gays. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE, PEOPLE.
And my gay observatory skills noticed something else:
I couldn't find the picture I wanted, so you will just have to go see the movie to see The Red Slip. You won't regret it, I promise.
Don't Forget to Nominate us! It ends MONDAY.
Friday, February 6
GET EXCITED. Clementine Ford, Cybill Shepard’s Clementine Ford came out in the March issue of DIVA magazine. Here’s the dykalicious cover:
So, if you don’t remember, Clementine was another heart broken by Shane on the fifth season of the L-word.
Now, we can’t just oogle, because she said this in the article:
“ I never want to put a label on my self — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop 8 comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label.”
Now, I keep hearing and I agree with the fact that being out is helping everyone in the gay community. It just helps to be seen and to have people know you and know that not all gay people are gross. I mean, some are, but so are some straight people, too, therefore that argument is in valid. The Mormons, for example; all straight, mostly all gross.
And I’m working on that myself. I like to live my life by what Dr. Seuss told me when I was little: “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” We are people, people. And no matter how condescending, abrasive and dismissive I can be, I feel Dr. Seuss can solve all our problems if we just listen. We’re all people. Step off.
P.S Don't Forget to vote for us in the Lezzy's! Nominations end Monday!!!
UPDATE: According to my sources: "The label Clementine used in the magazine to describe herself is "out" and the article implies the person she's currently dating is a woman. So it's not clear whether she identifies as bisexual or gay, but either way, it's good for queer visibility!"
This is from late December but I just stumbled upon it and it's fabulous. If you've ever watched Ellen's show you know that she calls viewers and has conversations with them sometimes, and this time she got someone particularly... feisty. It's 88 year old Gladys from Austin, Texas, and she is just so happy to be talking to Ellen that she shares all sorts of fun things about herself. Gladys had called Ellen to have her move the "spiky plant" from behind her head (lest she look like Alfalfa) and Ellen called her to report the fact that she'd moved it, and they have a wonderful conversation. The woman is a philosopher. I wish this lady was my crazy aunt or something. I'd buy her ladybug broaches all the fucking time. And a little brandy, to thin the blood!
Thursday, February 5
Sucks to be Michael Phelps right now! He's been suspended from swimming competitions for the next three months, and he's talking about not swimming in the 2012 Olympics. Plus, Kelloggs dropped his sponsorship. Damn! All for smoking a little weed? Honestly, who gives a FUCK? He was arrested for a DUI back in 2004 and now all this shit... the boy is a jock. I'm not saying he should be held to different standards, but does anyone really expect anything else? And of all the dumbass things he could do, the DUI is a lot shittier than just smoking some pot. And THIS is what people are having a fucking hissy fit about? It's not like he could've even hurt anyone. The above picture is from the good old days - you know, six months ago - and is one of my favorite pictures of him. (It emphasizes his bod and hides the butterface quite nicely.) I used it to make myself less depressed about all this crap!
Wednesday, February 4
V-day. It means many things. A day of love. Or sadness. A day of awareness for Women. The one day a year when I get to see The Vagina Monologues. And if you’re a lesbian, a day for a Rachel Maddow e-card. Send me one at firstname.lastname@example.org since I don’t have a special someone.
Don’t forget to vote for us in the lezzy’s! nominating ends the 9th!
Tuesday, February 3
For your viewing pleasure, here's a video making the internet rounds. It's a little boy getting filmed by his highly amused dad after the kid went to the dentist for a procedure. Well, at the dentist, he couldn't just be operated on sober, so they gave him a little happy medicine to make the pains go away! I don't know what this kid is on, but I want some. You have four eyes!
Hey! NOMINATE US!(I would like everyone to know that I worked really hard on a really cheesy graphic to enhance this already amazing graphic the kind people over at thelesbianlifestyle.com provided for us. It was just so cheesy I couldn't allow it to populate Dyxieland, as it is such a good looking site already.)
So over at thelesbianlifestyle.com there’s this little contest for “Lesbian Blog of the Year.” Let’s not try for it right? We are kind of new and only half gay, but hell, that’s enough for us to qualify for awards given to an already incredibly tiny, incestuous community to being with. So head on over to this link and put our name (www.dyxieland.blogspot.com) into the Culture/Entertainment field and if you don’t mind, Blog of the Year. Let’s go big or go home. Now, they are having issues counting the votes as people are not responding to the verification email they send you. You are allowed one vote per 24/hr period and voting is open from the February 2 to the 7th, so we are already a day behind! We all know you don’t work and have too much times on your hands. So just vote for us and catch us up!
Tell your friends! Do it more than once! We have no shame over here at Dyxieland, so we will even bribe you if need be. Katie D. makes an especially satisfying oatmeal lace cookie (sounds weird, tastes AMAZING) and I’m especially good with my hands. So. You know. Email me.
Then, if all of our bribing and all your nominating is successful, the top 3 nominations are moved on to the voting period, where we will give you more news when that happens. (I’m thinking positively here.)
And in case you didn't get it with the other links, you can vote HERE.
Sunday, February 1
Paul Blart, Mall Cop? Really? That's the Number 2 movie this weekend? THAT was the Number 1 movie in the NATION for the past 2 weekends? Like, for the entire nation? The premise is that Kevin James has to fight SANTA'S HELPERS as they try to take over the mall. Santa's. Helpers. That's what we pay to see in an economic crisis??
Oh and by the way, Hotel for Dogs was Number 4. Who paid money for this??
Above is a picture of Butterface Phelps at a party in November, taking a hit from a bong. Of what, you ask? What's so scandalous? Crack? Meth? A burnt American flag? No, dumbass, it's pot. The next question out of your mouth should be, "So fucking what?"
Who cares? And who didn't assume he smoked up regularly anyway? I mean, the dude is loaded, and the damn Olympics aren't for another 3 and a half years. If not smoke weed now, then when? He's still in better shape than 99.99999999% of the planet, give or take 1/100000 of a percentage point. It's not like he's less amazing a swimmer for occasionally smoking up. And what asshole friend leaked this picture to the media? Probably the same one who said this: "At one point someone asked him if he wanted to smoke some weed. Michael didn't hesitate and headed to a small back room, where he was immediately handed a big red bong. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and ripped a huge smelly bong rip. He knew exactly what he was doing. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming the backstroke." Anyone else think that's kinda hot?
Phelps released this statement, because if he hadn't conservative America would've flipped a shit: "I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."
Whatever. I don't give a shit if he smokes every day until the 2012 Olympics as long as he keeps the muscles rippling - which I'm sure he will. I just hope he doesn't get caught again, because there are already so many things for tutting American adults to get their panties in a twist over.