Wednesday, February 11

Asian Men are Actually Lesbians.

So I had an incident. Do you ever play that game where you are walking down the street and just judge EVERYONE? Well, I do. It’s a fun one. But especially da ladies. (insert Barry White voice) I scan, in this order: shoes, hair, glasses. And then go from there. Usually I can tell where on the Kinsey Scale these people land. But I never actually talk to them, therefore will never know and neither will they, so it’s just something silly I do as I people watch on the street. But this game led to an epiphany the other day. I scanned a person—shoes, hair, glasses—and this person had an UNCANNY resemblance to my good friend (my gay girl oracle, a SupaDyke, a 100footer, the person I like to walk down the street with so that I just look gayer to the common lay person) who describes her style as “Dyke Chic.” And Dyke Chic it is. Especially for an Asian Man. Yes, this person who could also have fit into all of the above epithets was actually an Asian Man, which led me to the conclusion that ASIAN MEN ARE ACTUALLY LESBIANS. The stylish, slightly androgynous, fashion butch lesbian.

Hear me out. Both have angular bangs/Mohawks/fashion mullets. The evolution of Tegan & Sara’s hair, if you will. Both can’t grow facial hair, so they fake having sideburns by integrating the illusion into their incredibly styled haircuts that shouldn’t take as long as they do to figure out in the morning.

Neither have very good butts, which is only perpetuated by the huge amount of Shane-clones that exist and Katherine Moennig’s (who confuses me more than any other lesbian/not lesbian ever. But her cheek bones are just fab.) skinny body constantly parading around naked. But, this could only be perpetuated by the skinny jeans both wear. Skinny jeans, no matter how fashionable they are, don’t do anything for your butt. (To be hipster, must not have butt. I’m halfway there.)

Scarves. Plaid. Knit Caps. Tennis Shoes.

And this underwear image came up during my google image search and it reminds me of another lesbian in her underwear…

I know this is slightly Shane-centric, but that skinny bitch is the poster child of dyke-chic. And to steal this joke from Liz Feldman, if you see a baby dyke walking around with 3rd season Shane hair, it’s because they’re not caught up yet. They’re clearly renting the seasons from Netflix…

And finally, they both have sex with women: UPGRADE!

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  1. hahaha oh kate you are so insightful!

  2. Way to go on perpetuating stereotypes. I thought Women would get the picture being the greatest underdog and that Lesbians would get it too being a minority and all. But I guess the "stupid bug" does not discriminate and can afflict anyone.

    Examples on the contrary...

    Hairy Asians:
    Asano Tadanobu
    Toshiro Mifune
    (Confucius, Genghis Khan almost every Asian historical thinker and strategist had some form of beard)

    Asians with nice butts:
    Tony Leung Ka Wai (Check out movie "The Lover")
    Min-sik Choi (Check out movie "Old Boy")
    Yao Ming (Possibly has the largest Asian butt in the world)

    Even though your post is intended to be humorous, the fact is you still think like an ignorant heterosexual white male.

    And that's kinda scary...