Once You Kill a Cow, You Gotta Make A Burger.

Lady GaGa, my heart of hearts, my goddess, my queen, you've done it again.

If you're a consistant reader, I think you know how much we love Lady GaGa at Dyxieland. I mean, you can track my beginning doubt, thinking that she was just using sex to sell records. But now I realize she's not just using sex to sell records. She's using sex to CHANGE THE WORLD.

I was not a huge fan of Beyonce and Lady GaGa's Videophone collaboration. In fact, I still think they are a jankity collaboration team. I mean, Beyonce will never ever be as avante garde as Lady GaGa is and Lady GaGa will never ever be as cool and hip as Beyonce is. Even though she does deliver one of the sexiest adresses of Beyonce I have ever heard in...DUHN DUHN DUHN.... the new Telephone video.

This shit has been hyped online for months now. It finally premiered last night and everyone was trying to watch it online. Every site that posted it basically crashed. I'm going to go ahead and say it now, but nothing has been this anticipated or as big of a pop culture event since Michael Jackson's Thriller. So, here, for all of your viewing pleasure, is Lady GaGa's Telephone Video.

So I was scouring the interwebs to watch this thing and I want to personally thank Nawlins Luvah for sending me a link. It didn't work, as it was one of those sites crashing, but here I am to tell you what I think.

I watched it and at 1:11 the OMGOMGOMGs commenced. Thus, forcing J Bear, who was off galavanting with Boy Roommate to come running into the room. And guess what... it was her and not me who was the first to say "This is the queerest thing I have ever seen." Everything about this video is super queer. From the ultra feminine drag persona of GaGa herself to the butch prison guards, to that genderfuck inmmate she makes out with (hot) in the prison yard. The leather and studs. GaGa fronting the camera, challenging you to accuse her of having a dick again. ("I told you she didn't have a dick." "too bad...") Can we also talk about the cigarrette glasses? EPIC.

She doesn't even start singing until 3 minutes into the video. Hence, the Thriller comparison. Then, she continues her whole image, her whole gig, the whole IT thing, with the caution tape sequence. The style and video effect of that scene is exactly what the video montages in The Monster Ball looked like. I've also never thought a Honey Bun so sexy. And that makes me uncomfortable.

The only thing I really like about Beyonce in this video is that Lady GaGa refers to her as "Honey B." So don't hate me for not talking about Beyonce that much. To me, they just don't work together and Lady GaGa steals the show. Beyonce all jerky and remixed just does not work. However, if they could wear more American Flag outfits, I'd be ok with that. Also, I find it fascinating that Lady GaGa's use of the word "motherfucker" does not get bleeped out, but Beyonce's does. So, basically, you're telling me Beyonce doesn't curse, and therefore she obviously doens't poop or fart or eat. Thanks, everything makes sense to me now.

The product placement in this video also blows my mind. From Miracle Whip to Verizon Wireless. I was so annoyed at first becuase it is so obvious. But I think that's the point. GaGa realizes she is capable of crashing the internet by releasing this video and she realizes that companies want their shit to be a part of network-crashing video releases. So I think, I hope, that the blatant product placements are on purpose and are tounge-in-cheek and are completely self-concious. I freaked when I saw the coke-cans-in-the-hair-outfit. Then I realized oh, those really are Diet Coke cans. Oh man, I WANT A DIET COKE. Salon.com has a quick article labeling Telephone as one giant commerical, because shit won't pay for itself these days. But GaGa also endorsed a line of chic, designer condoms. Exactly. Using sex to change the world. (See how I brought that back?) Salon.com also has an article on this. So, I think she's aware of the power she has and the fame she has, and if you revisit some of the themes we talked about in our Monster Ball posts, I am of the opinion that the Telephone video as giant commerical is actually rather subversive and tounge-in-cheek because it is so blatant.

And closing remarks: "OMG. Are they going to drive off a cliff?"- J Bear.

If they do, I hope I'm packed in the trunk. Because I am still all about it.

Side Note by Katie Dee:
So while I watched this video and took extremely detailed notes on it like a week and a half ago, I'm just now getting them up here. I'm sorry. I hope it's worth you checking the post every hour on the hour up until right now!

Thoughts on Telephone (this is sort of like what I did with the Grammy's, so if you want to follow my crazy thought train, having the video playing in a window next to the text would make that easier):
1. I feel that this is an inaccurate portrayal of prison - although, I notice, it is "Prison for Bitches."
2. Gaga is the most extreme Pink Lady ever with Coke cans in her hair.
3. Monster hands!
4. They are so channeling Michael Jackson. And Moulin Rouge.
5. Whatever brand of lipstick they use, I should buy it, because that shit doesn't move.
6. I love Beyonce.
7. Why "Let's Make a Sandwich?" Don't care, that dance is awesome. I love the bites. And claps. Claps and bites!
8. See, I don't think the bleep of B's "motherfucker" signifies that she's supposedly "pure." I just think it's a way t show their personalities. Gaga is so in-your-face in every way, and B is slightly more reserved. But will still poison your food if you fuck with her.
9. Why is this in German?
10. The american flag outfits are genius. How did Gaga get Beyonce to go along with this?
11. Any time Gaga sings "sippin that bub," I'm super amused.
12. Pussy Wagon? Hahaha!
13. And it exits with the female symbol. Be still, my feminist-ass heart!

So that's my flitting thoughts; over all, I liked the video, and I thought both women did well, and although I agree with CK that they're a jankity pairing, I don't know that I think that's a bad thing. I love Gaga's continued playfulness - the full-frontal at the beginning was very funny, and I really hope nobody still thinks she's a man, though I know as I type this that some people do - and I'm happy that she's just, as far as I see it, doing what she wants with her music and her videos. I didn't see the video as all that queer, per se, but I did see it as super-feminist. Of course, sometimes these ideas overlap, and Gaga is both, so it probably just depends on the perspective you come into it with. And my perspective is ALWAYS "So what does this say about women?" And this video says that women are, to quote someone who wrote on our wall, "Stone-cold badasses."

Also, because I'm currently obsessing over Pomplamoose (they have a new CD on iTunes which you should all buy which is just covers of famous songs. It's very fittingly called "Tribute to Famous People." BUY IT.) here is their video cover of "Telephone." I like it!