So BetseyBetsey showed me this interesting queer performer, Ivan Coyote, yesterday and I was too busy doing really important things at my really engaging job to give her feedback, so here it is, complete with a nickname.
Now, let's compare and contrast. What basically sums this whole story up for me is when Ivan says "be the man you wish you'd slept with in high school." That makes a lot of sense to me. If you're going to be a butch, masculine lesbian don't be a man's man; Be a lesbian's man.
This makes me want to parent my hypothetical children in the most unabashed new-age, montessori style. She wasn't trying to be a boy, it's just that no one asked and it didn't really make a difference.