Downgrade: Lindsay Lohan

Down to one word sentences, are we Lindsay? I know we are all facing tough times these days, Linds. But, I think you were doing better with this:
At least you still get to have make-up sex with this:
Acting DOWNGRADE.

Clementine Ford Comes Out Only To Go Back In.

Remember this?



Well. Apparently the big bold title of “Clementine Ford Comes Out” is one big misquote.

In an interview with TV Guide Ford claims the reporter misquoted her and that she did not come out.

TV Guide Quote:

Q: Let’s discuss this Diva magazine cover story. You sorta kinda maybe came out as a lesbian. Um, right?
A: [Groaning] I’m sooo glad you asked. The first thing that really upset me was that the cover line said “Clementine Ford Comes Out” which, clearly if you read the article, I did not come out. It was really misleading and full of misquotes to sell the magazine. If someone’s buying it to see that I came out, well, get your money back.

I’m sorry. What? Let’s review what was said in the Diva Magazine article:

"I never want to put a label on myself — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop. 8 [banning gay marriage in California] comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label."

I know it doesn’t say “I LOVE PUSSY” anywhere in that quote, but the tone and the way it was presented, to me, says that this is Ford coming out publicly. But if you’re really interested you can read the whole article here. (Thanks uhhuhherfan.com & Ms. Snarker & the lovely Ms. Bendix from Afterellen.com and Girlfriend is a homo [.com])

Also, if you’ve seen Ford on Liz Feldman’s This Just Out, you see another moment of misquotation. Ford jokes that yes, the L Word is porn. The ladies are actually banging. Which of course is false, even though I think we all wish it wasn’t. The misquote occurs when the Diva Magazine article goes on to discuss the rumored relationship between Shane and Ford. Except, it's called sarcasm. And like, people you know, kind of use it to like, make jokes.

I think this is just a case of British humor and American humor clashing. Diva Magazine is Europe’s mainstream lesbian magazine. The UK’s answer to Bitch, if you will. This instance only proves that I am obviously not the only American who did not think Bridget Jones’ Diary was that funny.

Or maybe it’s just bad reporting.

But on a more serious note:

This is an unfortunate situation that the gay community does not need to see happen. Ford is obviously an avid supporter of the community. That is undeniable. But it this kind of flip-flopping, sketchy sexuality that allows people to perpetuate the rumors that the gay community is not a lasting, permanent fixture. That homosexuality is a choice. It is not. It is a journey and it is unfortunate that Clementine Ford has to make hers a public one. This is also the kind of thing that de-legitimizes bisexuality. So be bisexual, Clementine. Go for it. Just don't do it Katy Perry style.

Coming out so publicly and then rescinding that outing is a self-preservation act on the part of Ford. I think it is admirable to attempt a career without your sexuality preceding you, as she already has the challenge of defying the fact that Phyllis, I mean Sybill Shepard, is her mother. So I understand some reasons as to why she would deny the insinuations in the Diva article, but I feel like her recovery of the situation could have been handled better, without what I feel like is a tone of ashamed assumption.

Writing an angry letter? Really? That’s some strong wording that only makes Ford seem disgusted at the fact that a publication would take her sexuality and run with it in such a positive way. She is the one making her pending lesbianism negative. Maybe I’m also just making assumptions. I understand no one wants their sexual journey broadcasted like that, but don’t deny it so rudely. Unfortunate downgrade.


Fuck it. EYE CANDY!


P.S. Katie D's computer bit the dust hard, so you're stuck with just me for a while. Hopefully I can cover everything. Or at least the things that come across my radar... I do accept tips. Just FYI. It gets hard trying to find this shit all on your own.

Things we missed while on Spring Break SLASH since we've started actually focusing on school.

Ellen and Portia!

Ellen had her wife, Portia on her show and it was just fabulous. Besides me vomiting glitter during the Newlywed Game segment, my favorite part was when Ellen just took Portia’s shoe off. It was just so personal and adorable and I know I’d want to be so close to someone that I could just take their shoes off on national TV. Why is it that people are so protective of their feet? I think I’ve just found a subject for a whole new blog post…

CLIPS!!!





And then they sang to each other as part of Ellen's new segment "Bathroom Concerts." I need the punch bucket to catch my vomit this is so adorable. I can't physically stand it.




Ellen and Katy Perry!

Ellen makes “I Kissed A Girl” coy in an intelligent way instead of a drunken-belligerent way. Because kissing girls doesn’t just happen when straight girls get gaysted. But hey, that is when I have the most hook-up opportunities…

CLIPS!!!



My favorite part is Ellen's little head flip around :52. I'm a fan of Ellen's shorter hair. Hell. I'm just a fan of Ellen.

Something I just want to tell you about:

Sophia Wallace.

I found this great photographer a few weeks ago and just decided that I really love what she’s doing. Check out her website. She does a lot of expository work documenting queer living on a day to day basis. She was up for a showcase opportunity on artslant.com and won! From the way it sounds, her work will be published on artslant from May 17th-April 16th. Her series Truer is amazing. Here's how Wallace describes it:

Truer is an autobiographical love story. The title is aimed at challenging the idea of a singular truth regarding love, sexuality, and gender. This body of work was inspired by the resplendence of an unfolding relationship. Through photographs of intensely private moments both joyful and in conflict, Truer seeks to engage the viewer in questioning pervasive visual depictions of truth in love, gender norms, and feminine beauty. Truer situates itself within a largely unseen history of photography of lesbian lives by lesbian photographers.

It just sounds great.

Here is my favorite 2 photos. I love the blatant intimacy of the first one and the casual familiarity of the second that allows the audience to feel as if they are intruding, giving the shot an air of interrupted intimacy. But not as if you just walked in on them banging, but the intimacy that comes with just hanging out with your girl in gym shorts and no bra. My favorite.





That’s basically it.

I’ve also recently come to the conclusion that Jon & Kate Plus 8 (Minus Maddy equals better show) is getting ridiculous. They get too much money and the fame seems to be tearing the family apart according to the churning rumor mill. And hot college girls…

If Katie D. Ran The Emmys, Part Last One

Most Perfect Koreans:
Lost


This show is comfusing and completely lacks logic, but it's fascinating (WHAT DO THE NUMBERS MEAN?) and the characters are great. The accents alone are worth the price of admission! But Jin and Sun, the Koreans, are the heart and soul of this masterpiece. When she found out she was pregs with Jin's baby, not her ex-lover's (Jin was in a bad place and she couldn't understand at the time, don't you dare judge!) and cried with joy, even though it was a death sentence (because women who get knocked up on the island die) - it's enough to warm Bill O'Reilly's no-heart area. Clip of love below.



Wednesdays at 8 central on ABC.


Most Morally Repugnant And Yet Flawless Showcase of Television Drama:
Breaking Bad


Thank the Lawd this show is coming back for a second season, because it is friggin magnificent. In one part of last season, the main characters killed a drug dealer who was forcing them to make meth by producing noxious fumes and locking him in a trailer with them. once dead, they put him in a bathtub and melted him with chemicals, which ate through the bathtub and splattered melted drug dealer all over the hall! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS SHOW? New season starts Sunday at 8 central on AMC.


Show That Should Still Be On The Air, No Matter What Kind Of Money The Actors Asked For / Show Whose Setting I Wish Actually Existed So I Could Live There In For Real Life:
Gilmore Girls



Lorelei: How is it out there?
Michel: It is cold and gray like a fat dead pigeon.

This show wasn't on in 2008. Actually, the last season ended in 2007. But it still wins a 2008 award! It's on every day on ABC Family and I Tivo it, so I get that shit every day and I eat it up. It's one of the smartest shows I've ever seen, the characters are hilarious and wonderful and make you fall in love with them, the references are brilliant, and DEAR GOD I want to live in Stars Hollow, CT! I cried during the last episode. Bawled. Absolutely lost it. I now have three of the seven seasons on DVD and am working on procuring the rest. When it was canceled, I was heartbroken. But this post will be my shrine to it, as will the love in my heart. On weekdays at 4 central on ABC Family.

Real People are Awesome.

This made Hasselbitch bearable! She’s a person! A real one! Who can talk sanely to other real people!

Clearly real people rule.

Rachel Maddow is a real person.

And she made The View bearable.

They talked about her coming out and meeting her partner, which she described as a “gay Desperate Housewives.”

And then Bawbra Wahtlahs says something about Whoopi coming out, to which the most ambiguous one replies “please, that door’s been open for years.” I’m sorry, it has? What? Are you saying Whoopi is a Big Gay Homo? I totally didn't see that one coming. I might have to go reevaluate my belief system.

If you missed the most bearable episode of The View ever, you can watch Maddow's clip here. It’s worth it. Because besides all of the talk about Maddow’s coming out and how they make her wear makeup and what not, they actually talk about the economy and they do it without yelling. Hasslebitch kind of actually bows down. I think it’s because our hero Maddow referenced how freeze spending caused the first depression to be “Great.” She’s so clever. I see what she did there.

And then to top it all off is the shoulder tap Maddow gives Hasselbitch at the end. The Shoulder Tap That Launched 1,000 speculation.

If Katie D. Ran The Emmys: Moar, Moar!

Continued, with extra clips this time! Spaghetti cat cat cat cat cat cat...

Best Fake News Show:
The Soup


Joel McHale seems to have distain for almost all things celebrity or pop-culture related (or at least anything to do with The Hills, La Lohan or Miley Cyrus), but also sort of fascinated with that which he finds disgusting. He also loves Spaghetti cat. All of this makes him highly amusing to me, and The Soup is a great 30 minute way to catch up with what the fuck happened in pop culture this week - that is, if you don't avidly read blogs. A little SC magic for you below.



Oh, and here's a song, written just for SC.



On Fridays at 9 central on E!


Best Actual News Show:
Countdown with Keith Olbermann


Yeah, Keith can be loud, abrasive, and insulting. So can Chatty Kathy. I'm over it! Because underneath their tough exteriors they're both softies. Don't believe me? Check the video (on Prop H8):



Now if you didn't get choked up or at least bust out an "aw" then you are the Tin Man and need to visit the fucking wizard. He's funny, articulate, well-read, clever, and sweet. And friends with Rachel Maddow. And a Unitarian Universalist! Check plus. On weekdays at 7 central on MSNBC.


Best "Reality" Show on VH1 or MTV / Best Use of Hair Products And Body Oil:
Tool Academy


I've stated before that I believe this show is television perfection. Well, we're now down to two tools and they actually don't suck that much (especially Josh, who to me will ALWAYS be Baby Bear), but up until this point we've had it all: douchey attitudes, surprise girlfriends, pigs, lie detectors, tutus, conjugal visits and panic attacks. The boys are definitely not angels but some of the girls are feisty too (and Krista can go to hayle!) so there's never a lack of drama. Trisha (the therapist) is useless and basically just eggs them on, and with each new episode you can see the host losing his will to live. And they're coming back for another season! Bravo, VH1. Bravo. Sundays at 7 central on VH1.

If Katie D. Ran The Emmys Part Deux

1. Here's hoping for great results in the California courts!
2. Part 2 (deux if you're fancy) of my Emmy Awards. Today's focus is on reality competitions!


Most Entertaining Showcase Of Tyra's Insanity:
America's Next Top Model


This was the first incarnation of Tyra's brilliance, and it is still some of the best shit I've ever seen. Days could fly by while I watch girls pose and get eliminated - fuck, we could go to (another) war and I wouldn't notice. My apartment could be invaded and I'd just pause that shit and tell the insurgents to quiet down! The best parts are the photo shoots, because they're so unbelievable and they're full of weird makeup and costumes (like the Mermaid photo shoot, one of my favorites - they hang the bitches upside down! With dead fish! God Danielle is fabulous. And Jade is a whore. Clip below). Oh, and the crazy models who talk to bushes when they've had a little too much drank!



New Season just started, Wednesdays at 7 central on UPN.


Best Judges (Including Impressive Guest Judges) With A Habit Of Choosing The Wrong Fucking People To Win The Competition But Who I Still Love Anyway:
Top Chef


While I am still not over Hosea fucking winning this season (1. Carla should've cooked her own food! And put the love in it! 2. If that angel didn't win, then Stefan should've at least fucking won, because he won like 49 challenges through the season and Hosea has been on the chopping block like 12 times! God dammit!) and Richard not winning last season, this show is still excellent and the judges are a big part of that. Padma is fabulous, but let me just say that Tom Colicchio is a sexy, sexy man. And that British guy from this season! He's such a bitch and I love it! Best guest judges: that French dude and Anthony Bourdain. Season just ended, but a reunion is on tonight at 8 central on Bravo.


Best Use Of Tim Gunn:
Project Runway


Aka Pwaject Wunway, because it is nearly impossible to say that title correctly. Anyway. Among insane contestants, bitchy judges (except of course Heidi, my world), and weird-ass challenges, there is one Messiah-like constant presence who keeps the runway in balance: Tim Gunn. I want to know him, I want him to be my friend. I want him to tell me to make it work! People who ignore Tim's advice inevitably fail. He is the One, the Seer; he is style itself. Praise him. No season showing currently.

To be continued...

Prop 8 hearings in San Francisco

We could be referencing the case Strauss et al. v. Horton (Hollingsworth et al., Interveners)
(and two other cases, S168066 Tyler et al. v. State of California et al. in the papers we write in senior year government classes. A whole AP test question might be all about what happens today in California Courts. These are the San Francisco hearings challenging Prop 8. Hit up the streaming video. It doesn't work on my computer, but hopefully it will on yours. I'll post the results soon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. GAY IS OK!





We'll know the results in 90 days or so. But with our government, you know there is always some way to make it longer than the 90 days. This is one instance when I don't approve of taking advantage of loopholes.

If Katie D. Ran The Emmys

Awards season has me all pensive about the important things in my life: my television shows. I decided (and my roommate agrees) that I'm the person who should actually decide what wins what awards, and my qualifications are that I watch TV all the fucking time. Here are my picks for the outstanding TV of 2008!

Update: Posting this shit all at once made the blog go fucking nuts, so I'm gonna split it up. Enjoy the suspense!

Show With Quirkiest, Most Lovable Characters:
Bones


One of my roommates hates this show but I cannot resist! They're funny, they solve crimes, they're very unique characters and Angel from Buffy is in it! Plus it looks at the scientific and the supernatural parts of life, not siding with either, particularly. It's also one of those things where you want the main characters to be together - because they're clearly perfect for each other - but the tension is great so you want it to last forever (like on the Office, how much suckier is that show now that Jim and Pam are together? God, just get married already and get a new gimick.) But anyway, Brennan + Booth = love forever! On weekdays at 5 central on TNT or Thursdays at 7 central on Fox.


Most Fascinating, Disturbing, And Addictive Show On Television:
Law and Order: Special Victims Unit


In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. DUN DUN. Be impressed: that was all from fucking memory, folks! This show is one (like ANTM, see above) that I can sit and watch for an entire day without accomplishing anything meaningful or important. I never feel more alive! I have no favorite characters when it comes to the main cast: Elliot and Olivia are infallible, Munch is hilarious, Ice T is a quality actor, the Captain is lovable and strangely sexy, Wong and the ME are brilliant. I yell at the screen when someone new comes on (remember that bitch who worked with Elliot when Mariska was pregs? I fucking hated that cunt! And the new DA is too model-y and not sassy enough for me) because I'm offended at the intrusion into my universe! You're not an actor til you've been a crazy and/or beaten person on SVU. Truth. On all the fucking time on USA. Seriously, whenever my Tivo is recording something, it's ALWAYS SVU. New episodes Tuesdays at 9 central on NBC.


Best Fucking Daytime Talk Show Ever:
Ellen


Laugh. Dance. Watch Ellen. There's something so ultimately likable about her that I can't imagine anyone not appreciating her, even if they're not fans of the show. Oprah can go suck Gayle's dick when it comes to daytime TV! Plus, she's a big gay lady, and she stands up for shit she believes in. All while she plays fun games, sings in the bathroom, and makes DanRad speak in an American accent. Who could ask for anything more? Ellen and Dan below. It's on during the day, changes according to where you are.

ALFIE UPDATE.

So, in typical Maury fashion, Alfie is taking a DNA test to prove that he is the father…

2 other boys came forward claiming they were the father, Chantelle says no Alfie is the father because she loves him and that he has to be because she loves him and that she loves him so he just has to. Fuck Love. WHAT ABOUT WHO YOU BANGED?!

A 16 year old says slept with Chantelle a number of times and the other a 14 year old who slept with her about 9 months ago.

The 14 year old:

The 16 year old:

Age upgrade!


But Chantelle’s mother Peggy says it’s all rubbish. Chantelle clearly lost her virginity to Alfie. Well good. Then this is all just one big mistake.

This is now causing arguments from the conservative leaders of Britain (Tory) that this is proof of a “Broken Britain.” I think this is just some family using their kids to make tabloid money off of them. Alfie’s dad is considering having the test opened on TV. WTF!?

Conclusions: Chantelle is a whore.


Side Note: So is Alfie.

It Hurts More Than Kendra From Girls Next Door's Laugh

There's this wicked awesome (see: fucking annoying) noise that apparently only people under the age of 25 (generally) can hear. It supposedly sounds like a mosquito but I think it's more like if you turned up the "mute" sound (that buzzing or whatever) that you hear when the TV's on but the volume isn't. I heard about this concept a while ago, since it was created in 2005, but I'd never actually heard it. Having now done so, my professional opinion is that it's really fucking annoying. The site says that it's used to keep kids/teens from loitering in malls and shit, but I've also heard that you can buy this shit as a ringtone if you don't want the adults in your life to know when you're getting a call. It's sort of neat, so check it out if you're interested.

http://trainhorns.net/sound/

The Bachelor: Bitch is a Ho

I don't typically watch The Bachelor because it's sappy and stupid, but my roommate, who has infinitely worse taste in television than I do, TiVos it and I've been sucked in once or twice. Then of course this shit blows the hell up last night when (SPOILER ALERT not that the whole world doesn't know it already) Jason, douche extraordinaire, dumps the chick he ALREADY PROPOSED TO ON TV (Melissa) and decided to hook back up with Molly, bitch he left in New Zealand. First off, I never really liked any of the parties involved because, you know, who goes on TV to find love except fucktards? But Melissa is infinitely more likable than the twat that dumped her or the shameless hussy who took him back. Jason was stone cold when he was breaking up with Melissa and she handled it a lot classier than I would've! He kept whining about how much he wished he could change how he felt and blah blah blah - man up and at least tell her off the fucking air! Ugh, watching Molly take him back, with her hand on his knee and acting all cutesy and precious? And then watching them make out in front of the nation? Even the host guy was pissing me off! "I don't think we could end on a better note. That's as good as it's gonna get." Sleazy sleazy sleazy! Video of Melissa not sucker punching a bitch below.

The Bachelor After The Rose Special
Uploaded by TheDlisted

Chris Brown and Rihanna: I’ve been a little nervous to touch this…

Like that blonde headed chick from Poltergeist would say, "WE'RE BACK!"


And we’ve been REALLY REALLY bad bloggers. Slap us on the wrists and don’t give us a cookie. Especially Katie D. That troublesome red head…

But I think we do need to address this Chris Brown/Rihanna issue. The pictures of Rihanna post-beating have been released and I am not going to post it here. If you want to see it, you can google it on your own time. I personally support the opinion that by having this photo circulated, Rihanna has been victimized twice.

Chris Brown is now claiming self-defense. That he only attacked her because she attacked him. Where the fuck are your bruises, Chris Brown? Where are they? Because I can see Rihanna's. Everywhere. And now 50 cent, who has such great street cred in domestic abuse situations, speaks out on the future of Chris Brown’s career.

For some reason, the future of his career is the main focus of everyone’s attention. "What’s going to happen to his image?" ask the old ladies buying Virginia Slims in the Dean & Deluca check out line. Who gives a fuck.

What is going to happen when a court rules against the victim, the woman, in this situation? When Chris Brown, because of his status, doesn’t serve time for beating his girlfriend, like every other high profile law suit, they never actually get what's coming to them; what message is this going to send? It shouldn’t be a question of careers, but of consequence. I don’t think the details of how or why this happened matters, but that it did. And the legal result of this needs to be one that sends a message to the general public. Beating women, beating people, is not ok.

Even if you are Ike and Tina, Tina dumped Ike, and she’s doing just fine for herself if you recall. And if Bobby did beat Whitney, it’s not like she could have felt it anyway, she’s so cracked out all the time. They’re still together, and what has happened to their careers? Nothing. They are non-existent. Except for drug infamy. Which, is that really what you want to be known as?

If Rihanna or Chris Brown end up with a reality TV show, I might have to shoot myself in the face.

Do you have any ideas as to what it would be called? Leave them in the comments...

Moral: Dump the dude, keep your career and he lands in the slammer.

WTF Happened To... Childhood!??!

Holy Balls a 13 year old kid is a dad. Yep. You heard right. He must really have some pretty holy balls if he managed that. (bad joke, I know. But I couldn't resist.) Alfie Patten, 13, of Britain and his girlfriend, Chantelle Steadman, 15, are the proud, underage parents of 7lbs, 3 oz, Maisie Roxanne, born Monday night in Eastbourne Hospital in East Sussex, Britain.




WHAT THE FUCK.


I mean, it is ridiculously commendable that the couple (…of kids) went through with this. But I mean. Really? Alfie, when asked what he is going to do financially, responds with “What’s financially?” in that cute little British accent of his.

First off, how did this happen? He looks like his balls haven’t even dropped yet. He looks like he is coddling his new born baby sister. Nope. He’s the dad. Awesome.

Second off, how is this going to pan out? I might have to subscribe to the British tabloids to follow this story…

So I asked myself, "Self, should you add in a little political message?" And my self answered, "Why the hell not?”

So, here’s my message: In a country where abortion is legal, a couple chooses not to go through with it, when I feel that in the back of everyone’s mind is the sentiment that maybe, they should have, you know, at least thought about it…? So, why all the fuss in America about it? I get it, it’s not exactly moral, but why does the government get to have all the fun in controlling a woman’s body? I’m pretty sure I would never get an abortion, because, let’s face it, I am birth control… but it’d be nice to have the option.

Kdone. I could go on, but I’m over it.

I think this might be one case where British is NOT sexy.



Cute jacket, Alfie.

Really?

Segment from SNL on the Dolphin Man and his recent woes. Seth says everything I've been saying, but with a wider audience, and funnier than me. Enjoy!

The Grossest Day of the Year

... is over. Congratulations, all you single people who survived it without killing yourselves. For your restraint, please enjoy this video of Stains, new supastar of the small screen (because of the lovely Joel McHale) and the internet because of everyone in the world who found this video and thought it was funny. To all of you who have a significant other, go fuck them, because you can. This video is not for you.



Poor Stains! Poor all of us. I'm ready for fucking St. Patrick's Day!

Trip Down Memory Lane...

Ok so as was mentioned a couple posts ago, I saw He's Just Not That Into You last weekend. However, I forgot to mention the most fucking exciting part of that trip: the commercial for HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!!!1!!!ONE! So obviously, because I have nothing else to do with my time (who studies?) I started looking up interviews of the cast. That was when I stumbled upon this nugget of cuteness, circa 6 years ago. It's Emma Watson and Rupert Grint talking about their first movie, HP and the Sorcerer's Stone. I know they're all growed up now, but back then they were just eager young children ready to take time off from school to do some "wicked" films. For those of you who think of the two of them as sex symbols now, watch this and try not to be too much of creeps about the whole thing. But enjoy their lovely accents and vocab!

Billy Mays Got Schooled

So everybody knows who Billy Mays is - he's that dude who was the King of the Infomercial before we met/fell in love with VINCE. Anyway so he has an infomercial out about this magic material that is apparently part clay, part glue, part magnet, part wood, and part mood ring (it changes colors!). To sum up, it's magic like all of his other products. The infomercial is full of his normal soft yelling, which is all well and good, but not that creative or original.

To fix this problem, an American Hero dubbed the infomercial to teach us about this product in the least-enthused and most-insulting way possible! He's sure to get a contract soon, because he showed the Mays just how this shit should be done. "Fuckin arts and crafts, whatever, I don't even... ok, mail." Genius!

OMG ELLEN AND JOHN MAYER

So as a good television watcher, I of course Tivo the Ellen show just in case she has someone interesting on that I want to investigate (see: obsess over). I've sort of had a thing for John Mayer since I was in 7th grade - because, see, no one understood me and I just had sooooo many feelings - and he's still one of my favorite musicians, despite all these pesky rumors that he's a total douche in real life. Plus, Josh Groban had that one song that was kind of neat and I also find his voice rull purty, so I'm interested in him. So naturally, when I saw that Ellen was having JM AND JG on her show, I had to check it out.

Well the show started out well with a gorgeous duet by Ellen and JG (above) singing a romantic and touching song. It continued with Ellen's regular humor, a little of JM being a douche, and finished up with a FANTASTIC Grammy-themed game of Celebrity (one person holds up a pic of a celebrity over their head and the other person has to get them to guess who it is) courtesy of JM and Ellen. (Then they sang "Just Dance" in Ellen's bathroom.) But really, the game of Celebrity was ah-mah-zing. John Mayer knows his shit! He sang parts of songs from all the people he was hinting for, and he immediately guessed almost all the ones Ellen was hinting for. It was pretty damn cool and I was impressed. Clip below (and hey, it has Japanese subtitles if you're interested!):

Obsessive Much? HJNTIY

First, I'd like to note that I've been a bad, bad blogger recently, because I haven't had a single post in like a week. I've actually been focusing on things like my schoolwork rather than celebrity news. That being said, though, last weekend I went to see the soon-to-be-classic "He's Just Not That Into You," and I LOVED IT.

So we're clear, I hate most chick flicks. Almost anything with Kate Whatever and Matthew Whoever - not into it. They're predictable and unrealistic. However, movies like Love Actually - where you can't really guess how it's going to end up and sometimes you're really unhappy with the endings (WHY didn't Karl and Laura Linney end up together??) - that shit I adore. Because that's the beauty of it! I like movies that have characters that are at least somewhat realistic, and who have stories that don't necessarily have to have happy endings (although of course you hope most of them do!) and that, my friends, is He's Just Not That Into You.

So without giving too much shit away, here's a summary: bitches and dicks ain't know how to treat each other right. Some of them are too desperate, some of them play games with each other, some of them don't really know what they want. In the end, some people break up, and some stay together, but mostly they make healthy decisions for themselves. And that last aspect, good friends, is the key to the movie. They make healthy decisions for themselves!

See, in most CF's, girls end up with guys who may treat them like crap or like goddesses - doesn't really matter, as long as they end up with the guy. Girls only have value if they're in a couple (what a depressing V-day message...). And guys settle for girls who are absolutely fucking CRAZY even if they're better than that(again, depressing!). Games are played. Hearts are broken. Tears are shed. Whatever. It's boring and predictable, and hopefully not particularly realistic - or else we're in big fucking trouble.

Anyway. Not in this movie. I saw it with my roommates and a whole theater full of girls and it was fabulous (actually, funny anecdote: the one guy friend in the movie theater was sitting right behind me. First, he and his friends commented that something smelled like mayo, which made my roommates - who had just gotten Chik-Fil-A sandwiches - sit a little lower in their seats. Then, when the bitch who played Audrey (Joey's college roommate) on Dawson's Creek came on, he correctly - and at the same time as me - informed his friend of how she knew who she was. Gay guy? I don't know, but I found it hilarious). Sadly, one of my favorite websites - watchmovies.net - has been shut down (according to my sources, this is because bitches don't want people watching movies for free) - so I'm unable to watch HJNTIY 300 times until I've memorized every line (like I did with Twilight), so I've had to satisfy myself with watching a million cast interviews about it. They all say the same thing I have ("My character is very realistic and the plot is just magnificent and the cast was a joy to work with...") so unless you're an obsessive freak like myself, don't bother to Youtube them. You should, however, bother to see the movie. AND don't leave until after the credits! There are extra "interviews" with the characters that are absolutely worth seeing!

Maybe I'm in a sappymantic mood. Maybe it's the estrogen. No matter, I loved it and Chatty Kathy loved it, so no matter who you are (yes, I'm saying we two cover the entire spectrum of human experience) GO SEE THIS MOVIE.

Oh and yeah, ScarJo was easily the hottest person in the film. Just sayin...

Asian Men are Actually Lesbians.

So I had an incident. Do you ever play that game where you are walking down the street and just judge EVERYONE? Well, I do. It’s a fun one. But especially da ladies. (insert Barry White voice) I scan, in this order: shoes, hair, glasses. And then go from there. Usually I can tell where on the Kinsey Scale these people land. But I never actually talk to them, therefore will never know and neither will they, so it’s just something silly I do as I people watch on the street. But this game led to an epiphany the other day. I scanned a person—shoes, hair, glasses—and this person had an UNCANNY resemblance to my good friend (my gay girl oracle, a SupaDyke, a 100footer, the person I like to walk down the street with so that I just look gayer to the common lay person) who describes her style as “Dyke Chic.” And Dyke Chic it is. Especially for an Asian Man. Yes, this person who could also have fit into all of the above epithets was actually an Asian Man, which led me to the conclusion that ASIAN MEN ARE ACTUALLY LESBIANS. The stylish, slightly androgynous, fashion butch lesbian.

Hear me out. Both have angular bangs/Mohawks/fashion mullets. The evolution of Tegan & Sara’s hair, if you will. Both can’t grow facial hair, so they fake having sideburns by integrating the illusion into their incredibly styled haircuts that shouldn’t take as long as they do to figure out in the morning.

Neither have very good butts, which is only perpetuated by the huge amount of Shane-clones that exist and Katherine Moennig’s (who confuses me more than any other lesbian/not lesbian ever. But her cheek bones are just fab.) skinny body constantly parading around naked. But, this could only be perpetuated by the skinny jeans both wear. Skinny jeans, no matter how fashionable they are, don’t do anything for your butt. (To be hipster, must not have butt. I’m halfway there.)

Scarves. Plaid. Knit Caps. Tennis Shoes.



And this underwear image came up during my google image search and it reminds me of another lesbian in her underwear…



I know this is slightly Shane-centric, but that skinny bitch is the poster child of dyke-chic. And to steal this joke from Liz Feldman, if you see a baby dyke walking around with 3rd season Shane hair, it’s because they’re not caught up yet. They’re clearly renting the seasons from Netflix…

And finally, they both have sex with women: UPGRADE!

The Lezzy's

Nominating ends today, Monday, February 9th at 11pm EDT. So DO IT. then i'll stop bothering you about it.

VOTE HERE.

humor or entertainment blog & blog of the year.

(S)He's Just Not That Into You.

So the gay is blogging about a movie called He’s Just Not That Into You. Yeah, I know why. Thanks. But no really. It was so good. I really, really enjoyed it. And EVERYONE was in this movie. EVERYONE. Who put this cast together? The star power is insane. I never thought I'd see the day where Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Connelly were on screen together. Glorious.

But my gay observatory skills came in handy because the gays were everywhere in this movie! Almost every scene had some rainbow action in it. Mary’s (Drew Barrymore) office had a gay mug that was specifically in shots, not to mention the gay men, and the publication she worked for/advertised for was targeted at gay Baltimore. In the coffee shop scene, QUEER BALTIMORE screamed at you from the back of the newspaper. But my point here is subtle highlights of rainbows.

They continue into Anna’s (Scarlett Johansson) room when a terrible thing happens, there is a ribbon on her bureau. I know I’m being nit picky here, but it proves a great point. That if you subtlety integrate gay life in day-to-day society, it becomes unnoticed and the “othering” quality that the gay community endures compared to the majority slowly diminishes.

Because in He’s Just Not That Into You, yes the gays were there for humor, but also as a viable real estate market. And in hetero terms, especially today, if you are proven economically viable, you are validated in society. Tap into the gay money, tap into economic stability. Those gay men need to make money to keep up the lifestyle they are reputed to live. Hello. That makes sense.

And, in the audience, I’m sure no one else noticed these things and that’s good because even though it isn’t in the forefront, at least it’s there and is being washed over the masses. The more it washes, the more normal it becomes, the less people are creeped out by the gays. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE, PEOPLE.

And my gay observatory skills noticed something else:

I couldn't find the picture I wanted, so you will just have to go see the movie to see The Red Slip. You won't regret it, I promise.


Don't Forget to Nominate us! It ends MONDAY.

Clementine Ford is a Big Gay Homo.

GET EXCITED. Clementine Ford, Cybill Shepard’s Clementine Ford came out in the March issue of DIVA magazine. Here’s the dykalicious cover:

So, if you don’t remember, Clementine was another heart broken by Shane on the fifth season of the L-word.

Now, we can’t just oogle, because she said this in the article:

“ I never want to put a label on my self — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop 8 comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label.”

Now, I keep hearing and I agree with the fact that being out is helping everyone in the gay community. It just helps to be seen and to have people know you and know that not all gay people are gross. I mean, some are, but so are some straight people, too, therefore that argument is in valid. The Mormons, for example; all straight, mostly all gross.

And I’m working on that myself. I like to live my life by what Dr. Seuss told me when I was little: “A person’s a person, no matter how small.” We are people, people. And no matter how condescending, abrasive and dismissive I can be, I feel Dr. Seuss can solve all our problems if we just listen. We’re all people. Step off.


P.S Don't Forget to vote for us in the Lezzy's! Nominations end Monday!!!


UPDATE: According to my sources: "The label Clementine used in the magazine to describe herself is "out" and the article implies the person she's currently dating is a woman. So it's not clear whether she identifies as bisexual or gay, but either way, it's good for queer visibility!"

I Love Jesus but I Drink a Little

This is from late December but I just stumbled upon it and it's fabulous. If you've ever watched Ellen's show you know that she calls viewers and has conversations with them sometimes, and this time she got someone particularly... feisty. It's 88 year old Gladys from Austin, Texas, and she is just so happy to be talking to Ellen that she shares all sorts of fun things about herself. Gladys had called Ellen to have her move the "spiky plant" from behind her head (lest she look like Alfalfa) and Ellen called her to report the fact that she'd moved it, and they have a wonderful conversation. The woman is a philosopher. I wish this lady was my crazy aunt or something. I'd buy her ladybug broaches all the fucking time. And a little brandy, to thin the blood!

Shit Son

Sucks to be Michael Phelps right now! He's been suspended from swimming competitions for the next three months, and he's talking about not swimming in the 2012 Olympics. Plus, Kelloggs dropped his sponsorship. Damn! All for smoking a little weed? Honestly, who gives a FUCK? He was arrested for a DUI back in 2004 and now all this shit... the boy is a jock. I'm not saying he should be held to different standards, but does anyone really expect anything else? And of all the dumbass things he could do, the DUI is a lot shittier than just smoking some pot. And THIS is what people are having a fucking hissy fit about? It's not like he could've even hurt anyone. The above picture is from the good old days - you know, six months ago - and is one of my favorite pictures of him. (It emphasizes his bod and hides the butterface quite nicely.) I used it to make myself less depressed about all this crap!

The Abbreviation “V-day” makes me think dirty things.

V-day. It means many things. A day of love. Or sadness. A day of awareness for Women. The one day a year when I get to see The Vagina Monologues. And if you’re a lesbian, a day for a Rachel Maddow e-card. Send me one at chattyxkathy@gmail.com since I don’t have a special someone.



Don’t forget to vote for us in the lezzy’s! nominating ends the 9th!

Is This Real Life?

For your viewing pleasure, here's a video making the internet rounds. It's a little boy getting filmed by his highly amused dad after the kid went to the dentist for a procedure. Well, at the dentist, he couldn't just be operated on sober, so they gave him a little happy medicine to make the pains go away! I don't know what this kid is on, but I want some. You have four eyes!

The Lezzy's

Hey! NOMINATE US!(I would like everyone to know that I worked really hard on a really cheesy graphic to enhance this already amazing graphic the kind people over at thelesbianlifestyle.com provided for us. It was just so cheesy I couldn't allow it to populate Dyxieland, as it is such a good looking site already.)

So over at thelesbianlifestyle.com there’s this little contest for “Lesbian Blog of the Year.” Let’s not try for it right? We are kind of new and only half gay, but hell, that’s enough for us to qualify for awards given to an already incredibly tiny, incestuous community to being with. So head on over to this link and put our name (www.dyxieland.blogspot.com) into the Culture/Entertainment field and if you don’t mind, Blog of the Year. Let’s go big or go home. Now, they are having issues counting the votes as people are not responding to the verification email they send you. You are allowed one vote per 24/hr period and voting is open from the February 2 to the 7th, so we are already a day behind! We all know you don’t work and have too much times on your hands. So just vote for us and catch us up!

Tell your friends! Do it more than once! We have no shame over here at Dyxieland, so we will even bribe you if need be. Katie D. makes an especially satisfying oatmeal lace cookie (sounds weird, tastes AMAZING) and I’m especially good with my hands. So. You know. Email me.

Then, if all of our bribing and all your nominating is successful, the top 3 nominations are moved on to the voting period, where we will give you more news when that happens. (I’m thinking positively here.)

And in case you didn't get it with the other links, you can vote HERE.

What the Hell, USA?

Paul Blart, Mall Cop? Really? That's the Number 2 movie this weekend? THAT was the Number 1 movie in the NATION for the past 2 weekends? Like, for the entire nation? The premise is that Kevin James has to fight SANTA'S HELPERS as they try to take over the mall. Santa's. Helpers. That's what we pay to see in an economic crisis??

Oh and by the way, Hotel for Dogs was Number 4. Who paid money for this??

Apparently This Is News

Above is a picture of Butterface Phelps at a party in November, taking a hit from a bong. Of what, you ask? What's so scandalous? Crack? Meth? A burnt American flag? No, dumbass, it's pot. The next question out of your mouth should be, "So fucking what?"

Who cares? And who didn't assume he smoked up regularly anyway? I mean, the dude is loaded, and the damn Olympics aren't for another 3 and a half years. If not smoke weed now, then when? He's still in better shape than 99.99999999% of the planet, give or take 1/100000 of a percentage point. It's not like he's less amazing a swimmer for occasionally smoking up. And what asshole friend leaked this picture to the media? Probably the same one who said this: "At one point someone asked him if he wanted to smoke some weed. Michael didn't hesitate and headed to a small back room, where he was immediately handed a big red bong. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and ripped a huge smelly bong rip. He knew exactly what he was doing. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming the backstroke." Anyone else think that's kinda hot?

Phelps released this statement, because if he hadn't conservative America would've flipped a shit: "I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

Whatever. I don't give a shit if he smokes every day until the 2012 Olympics as long as he keeps the muscles rippling - which I'm sure he will. I just hope he doesn't get caught again, because there are already so many things for tutting American adults to get their panties in a twist over.