And there's why. Everybody and their father flipped a shit about Kanye West going insane and stealing the mic from Taylor Swift (who I actually like a lot) as she was receiving an award the other night. I know my three roommates and I (CK included) all stuttered a collective "What the fffuck?" at the time. But anyway, point is, even Obama thinks he's an idiot! And we've got the audio to prove it! What I love about this clip has nothing to do with Kanye or Taylor Swift or even Obama's opinion about the incident, but more the fact that he caught himself calling Kanye a "jackass" (which, to be fair, is one of the nicer things I've heard said about him in the past couple days) and then realized that it would be all over the damn internet like "the fly thing." And then someone told him, hey, the fly thing was good for you - you're a ninja! Which is a fair point. But I love that with all the damn media outlets there are today, not only do we get the President's well planned out speeches, we get these little things too. I know it's not important, but I feel like I sort of know him better, and he's more humanized, and that makes it easier for me to trust him and relate to him. Plus it just makes him seem fucking cool. For more proof of that, I give you "the fly thing," below.
If stealing children weren't a felony, these would be the two I'd be after. Don't report me. Anyway, I don't know how old this first video is, but my mother (yes, that's how cool I am) told me about it and I thought it was fucking hilarious so I'm sharing it with you good people. It's a little girl explaining Star Wars (A New Hope) and it's pretty right on. She covers the main characters, including Obi Kenobi, the guys who put the robots into a garage sale, and the "Signy Guy" who is friends with R2, as well as the important plot points. The next video is of a little boy singing Hey Jude. He skips all those excess verses and repetitive choruses and gets to the real heart of the song, condensing it to about a minute and a half, all while holding (playing, if you use the term loosely) a guitar and wearing a diaper. Both these kids are around 2 or 3. And hey, they're capable of more than I was at that age. When I was 3 I took 15 minutes to put on Velcro shoes.
Everybody makes lists about their favorite or least favorite people/movies/paint swatches of any given year. Here's my contribution, in no particular order, because I would like them ALL to disappear into oblivion.
Spencer Pratt AKA Tooleslav Doucheski, Tsar of Fleshbeardsburg. Why is he famous? He was on that reality show about rich kids who talk about nothing but their annoying love lives and fashion/fame "ambitions," right? Why does anyone care? In addition to just being useless, I'm also told that he's borderline abusive to his horseface, Heidi, and generally a dick. Plus his beard looks stupid. I wish he'd just stayed in Mexico.
Rachel Zoe It would be fucking bananas if Rachel Zoe would go away, and then eat a sandwich. I've unfortunately seen a few episodes of her show, and I don't understand the appeal. Every person on the show has the same accent/voice: Valley girl. Even the guys. Her poor husband needs to run screaming out of their overstuffed closet and she needs to remember how to chew real food. Plus her job - dressing celebrities? - yeah, it's dumb.
Bill O'Reilly He's loud, he's annoying, he's a dick, he's a Republican. Why he has like four outlets for his ranting, I don't know. Keith Olbermann, love of my life, has an ongoing war against Billo the Clown (his pet name for him) and I find myself a soldier in his army. The dude cuts off his guests when they're talking and takes everything as a personal insult. And he's one of those delusional people who thinks this is a Christian nation. Check your history asshole, we were founded on the separation of church and state. I'd love for him to have a meth scandal or something so that he could go rant himself blue in rehab, where no one will be listening. Oh, and here's Lil Bill O.
Sean Hannity The Manatee. He's loud, he's annoying, he's a dick, he's a Republican. He loved Sarah Palin - 'nuff said. Manatee is another Republican living in a delusional world in which what people do to their bodies or in their bedrooms or at their places of worship is EVERYBODY'S business, and can be governed by others. Here's a clip of him going on and on about the 2008 Boogieman William Ayers, then getting his ass kicked by Robert Gibbs and that funny thing liberals like to use sometimes - logic. By the way I love the poll going on at the bottom of the screen saying that McCain has 86 percent of voters on his side. Oh Faux News, you kill me!
Madonna She's divorcing, she's roiding, she's A-Rodding. She's uninteresting is what she is. I'm bored with her antics and lists and Kabbalah and yoga. She pissed me off a few years ago when she ruined the song "American Pie" and she's not crawled back into my good graces yet. I'm tired of hearing about you, lady. Retire.
The Girls Next Door Three cheers for self esteem! I know this is actually a group of people and not a single entity, but they might as well be. If I were to define them as the Slutty One, the Annoying One, and the Stupid One, which one would be which? I don't really know either. They're each a triple threat. One of my roommates Tivos this show, and I can't understand why. They're gross, and they're double gross for boinking Hugh Hefner. I hear he dumped all of them, so yeah, these girls may be going away, but it's the spirit of the Idiotic Bunny that I'd REALLY like to be done away with.
Sarah Palin The only things good about Sarah Palin's bid for VP: 1. The Tina Fey impression, 2. My roommate's impression of the Tina Fey impression, 3. The documentary, Who's Nailin' Palin?. Otherwise, she often brought out the worst in the people who supported her, took about 23 steps back for women's rights, and generally made herself a laughingstock to other countries/intelligent people of the world. Here's a lovely video to remind you of the kind of America we COULD have been stuck with, just in case you still weren't sure if Obama was the better choice.
Ashlee/Jessica Simpson I feel almost bad for those two, because they have to deal with Papa Joe and his ogling ways. But not bad enough to want to hear about them constantly in the news. Pete Wentz and Tony Romo are tainted (more than before) for associating with these skanks. Jessica is desperate and gross; Ashlee is clearly damaged (plastic surgery much? At 24?)and named her child BRONX MOWGLI. Go back to Texas with Bush!
And the obvious...
George W. Bush Look, he's waving goodbye! Yes, it's finally that time, folks. After 8 long, long years, he will have to move his ten gallon hat out of the White House and back to his lone star estate. Sadly, we won't all have the chance to throw our shoes at him before he shuffles away. Well, we can on the internet, at least.
In the battle of the century, Melissa Etheridge and Elisabeth Hasslebitch tackle Prop H8. Since we all know Etheridge is the shit, we all saw the defeat of Hasslebitch coming. But it was just great to watch her squirm under the condescending eye of Etheridge, who was “disappointed” in Hasselbitch. DISAPPOINTED?!?! That’s all you are?!?! Come on Melissa. At this point with Hasselbitch, I’m beyond being politically correct. Even though I’m so over being politically correct in general.
Let’s just address The View and all the trouble those ladies stir up. I mean, when you get a group of “diverse” women together, there’s bound to be disagreements and little cat fights. Even though the underlying agreement is that they’re all Jewish liberals, because in order to get a ticket on the Hollywood train they check for traces of Manischewitz in your blood stream, since those people directly inject that shit into their veins. So this diversity is all just an act. I personally don’t watch The View, I just wait to read about whoever disagreed with Hasslebitch and lived to tell the tale the next day. These batty old broads are worse than my grandmother and her card playing ladies. I’m surprised they don’t also talk about the upkeep of their bodies and which doctor they have to go see today, all while wearing their arch-supporting SAS old people shoes in a variety of colors; black or beige.
But, leave it to Etheridge to be able to intelligently talk about the issues of the gay community. Because (SHOCKER) this woman is a lesbian, one of those politically correct, activist lesbians who carry around a guitar and a message who make me feel lazy because when the Prop H8 rally in November happened in Iowa City, I was too hung over to get up and go. But with the passage of Prop H8, her family is at risk, her way of life is in jeopardy. She brings up a good point that it’s about the children. Isn’t it always about the children, Melissa? If you tell anyone that, there is no way they can argue with you, since clearly, if it’s not about the children you are a cold, heartless, shell of a human being. Dementor threshold reached. Here’s the video and Etheridge performs with her 12-string Ovation.
Did anyone else notice Obama's campaign logo on Etheridge's guitar strap? Yeah, she’s that much of a badass.
But with this whole gay marriage thing such an issue right now, I think we need to work on changing the culture before we tackle the laws. For example, TLC is only perpetuating the stereotype of what everyone thinks is a successful family with shows like Jon and Kate Plus 8 (minus Maddy equals better show). Why not have a non-traditional family that is successful and loving and using up the kids we already have instead of making more that all look the same (damn Gosselin kids)? I mean, I can’t say no to the Holiday marathons of Jon and Kate plus 8 (minus Maddy equals better show) but the intelligent, analytical part of me wants to see something different, something new, something borrowed, something blue so that everyone can see that a family means love. Like Stitch said, Mahalo means family and family means no one gets left behind. Instead, I have to rent some edgy documentary about a gay couple going through the adoption process to even see what a non-traditional family looks like.
This is getting preachy, so I’ll end on the O’Donnell/Hasselbitch epic battle of ’07.
Side Note: I love how Joy turns into political moderator. Who died and turned her into Gwen Ifill? I also LOVE the split screen action around 3:26.
It's the sound of millions of fangirls screaming the name "Edward." Why? Well, because the date for the release of "New Moon" has been set, of course! Next November 20th insane people everywhere will be swarming the theaters at 12:01 so they can all scream at a fictional character on a screen together. And not in a "Rocky Horror" kind of way. And yeah, this is coming from someone who liked the Twilight movie, but I'll be seeing New Moon at least a week after its release (the 12 year olds will be on their fourth or fifth viewing by that time, and much less prone to screaming) and I will be quietly evaluating it/checking if they got the new Jacob right. Mmhmm, I'm pretty much the only female in the world who wishes Bella had done the fucking smart thing and hooked up with the sexy werewolf kid rather than the overprotective vamp. They're not bringing back the same guy (Taylor Lautner) to play Jacob because he looks too young - which is true, but a shame because I liked him - and they'd better not fuck Jacob up or I'll be pissed.
Shit, I just found out that Taylor Lautner was the little (shark)boy in the movie that taught me to imagine, The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl! (Yeah, I was 16 when I saw it, but it's never too late to reunite with the kid in you.) I dragged my boyfriend to see that (he said he wanted to) and loved every minute of that shit. He and his dad later mocked me. Fuck them, it was sweet.
Anyway. They're also getting rid of the director, Catherine Hardwicke. This is kind of a shame, because you almost never hear about female directors, but she didn't want to work with such a short schedule. (Plus that scene in the woods where the camera swirled around Edward and Bella made me a little pukey.) Instead they're bringing in the guy who did "The Golden Compass" (Chris Weitz) with Ice Face Kidman.
For those of you counting at home, Nov 20th is only 364 days after the release of this year's movie. I understand that the vampires aren't supposed to age or anything, but that's gonna be a tough schedule to keep. Especially since they still have to find a Jacob who is up to my (very high) standards. Good fucking luck, Weitz.
The always dyketastic Rachel Maddow posed alongside some other bitches (Katie Couric and Campbell Brown) on the cover of Vogue! She talked about her job at MSNBC and other crap, but more importantly, she remained her adorable butchie self and refused to glam up for anyone. Hell yeah girl. She even kept her glasses. See? Women don't have to pose like sexual objects to get into magazines! You can do it by being quirky and bright and having a neat news show, too.
Cookie Monster? Oh Yeah, he’s been changed to Veggie Monster. Well, not really, but the rumors on the interwebs are out of control. (At least they were a while ago before I was so plugged in, but thanks to AJ for the hat tip on this one!) But Cookie does make a valid claim when interviewed by Matt Lauer on the today show.
Cookie Monster: Me like fruit.
Matt Lauer: And there you have it. Cookie Monster likes fruit, and not cookies.
Monster: No! You members of the media blow story way out of proportion! Me still like cookies!
Lauer: Then why fruit?
Monster: Why not fruit? It delicious! And healthy. Me still eat cookies, like me world famous for doing, but now me eat other things, too.
And what else has the media blown out of proportion? A few things pop into my head:
Hurricane Rita. Conveniently a month after Hurricane Katrina, the media warned everyone to take every precaution necessary, little did they know, the panic they started caused an 8 hour traffic jam. See that sign? Mason Road? A block from house. We stayed. My mother is from New Orleans and my Dad moved the ax from the garage to the living room and I packed my books in zip-lock bags. We weren't that worried.
Star Jones’ weight loss. No one really cares about Star. Not like we care about Oprah. And just own it, you’ve had gastric bypass.
Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe Malfunction. I saw this happen live. Once was good enough for me, but little did I know that I’d be seeing it again and again and again and again…
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