Ashton Kutcher can't even get a network to back his work anymore. He has to develop it himself and post it on-line. LAME. His new web series "KatalystHQ" is "like the hills on office crack." Or something like that. That's not a direct quote. This post is lazy. Just like Kutcher's career. BOOM ROASTED.
Promo:
Why do I find this so fucking catchy? This video has been featured on a couple of my favorite corners of the internet recently and I am annoyed by it but it gets stuck in my head really, really easily. I'm not sure if they're serious; now, obviously, to most normals, the entire idea of this "rap" is ridiculous. But sometimes extreme Christians are not exactly normal - watch Saved. It's pretty accurate. Anyway, now that it's stuck in my head for eternity, I bequeath it to all of you. Don't thank me.
Also, because I'm crazy and have a lot of time on my hands, I watched all the rest of their YouTube videos, which were just a series of parodies of The Office featuring some mediocre characters but also a guy who does a really excellent Michael Scott impression. If anyone feels the need to waste as much time as I do, you can find the videos by clicking on the video above and going to their username's videos. Probably not. Anyway, again, I think this may be a Christian group that's actually for real, because 1. I found a group related to their YouTube name on Facebook (TFH = The Father's House. I research my shit) AND their one other video seems to be rules for some sort of church youth group. Why do I find this fascinating? Not sure but more google searches of TFH and Genlife led me to this really terrifying blog, which I will now share with y'all because it made me question the state of people today. It's called "The New Sexual Revolution," and it claims to be a Christian perspective on sex in today's craaaazy society. I only read one article; it was enough to piss me off. Emphasis mine.
"You’re Teaching My Kid What?
Exposing the Sex-Ed Biz
November 10, 2009
This commentary contains material that may not be suitable for children.
Dr. Miriam Grossman was lecturing at a Philadelphia college about sexual health. The students had invited her to talk about something they’d never encountered in all their years of sex education—the dangers of non-marital sex.
Grossman will never forget the girl who told her that everything she’d said about sexually transmitted diseases was correct. “I always used condoms, but I got HPV anyway, and it’s one of the high-risk types,” the girl said. If the infection did not go away, she had a 40 percent chance of developing cervical cancer.
In her new book, You’re Teaching My Child What?, Grossman says she felt “a wave of sorrow” at the girl’s words—but she was hardly surprised. The girl was yet another victim of a destructive philosophy that has been forced on America’s youth under the guise of “sex education.”
The sex-ed lobby has always claimed it was all about health—teaching kids how to stay safe. But in reality, their goal was not preventing disease, pregnancy, and emotional distress. It’s about indoctrinating them into a radical ideology—sexual freedom. Kids are urged to consult websites that urge them to begin “exploring” their sexuality at a young age, insist that sex at any age is a right, and encourage them to engage in bizarre and dangerous activities.
The findings of science are not allowed to interfere with these radical teachings. If new research proves the dangers of the behaviors they advocate, the so-called “sexperts” simply ignore it.
For instance, sex educators urge kids to avoid pregnancy by engaging in oral sex. But two years ago, cancer specialists found that oral cancers were on the rise among young adults, who used to be at very low risk if they did not smoke or drink.
If kids interact with five or more partners, they increase their risk “a whopping 250 percent.” And yet sex educators, Grossman writes, portray this activity as safe and normal.
What’s the result of this teaching? One in four American girls now has a sexually transmitted disease.
What do the sex educators say about this? They shrug it off, telling kids that “most” people contract an STD in their lifetime—as if such a thing were normal and unavoidable.
This ought to make us really angry. The “comprehensive” sex educators have done enormous harm to our kids. They keep right on teaching kids that life is a sexual-free-for-all with no consequences as long as they use so-called “protection.”
Read Dr. Miriam Grossman’s book, You’re Teaching My Child What? You can get a copy at BreakPoint.org. And then, share it with the teens in your life. They need to know the truth—that while STDs, cervical cancer, and heartbreak may be increasingly common, they are no more “normal” than swine flu.
Once again, science is backing up the truth of the Judeo-Christian worldview. That is, sex ought to occur exclusively within the context of marriage. And anybody who tells us otherwise is sacrificing truth, science, and the health of our children."
Personally, I think this kind of article is fucking dangerous. Maybe I'm alone in this because, granted, I have a weird Sex Ed background (public school in the south coupled with Unitarian Univeralist church) but this is NOT the kind of education I got. We weren't encouraged to have sex at any age or taught that oral sex was something that could be done with no risks - we were told 1. Abstinence, 2. Protection, and 3. Oral sex is just as risky, for transferring disease, as vaginal or anal sex! This was pointed out and repeated so that we would get it through our skulls, which is a good thing. Bad mouthing Sex Ed as a field is probably the worst thing that could be done for the sexual health of school-aged kids. Sex Ed is about educating the kids who don't get any information at home from their super conservative/shy/uncomfortable/overwhelmed/uneducated parents (any or all of the above can be true, and aren't any sort of indictment on parents - my point is, teaching your kids about sex is hard, so having a place for them to learn about it in a safe environment is CRUCIAL) so they need somewhere else to go (that isn't the internet).
But even if the above weren't true - even if my Sex Ed and OWL teachers (OWL = Our Whole Lives. It's a sexuality and relationship education program that is taught at UU churches for teenagers in a youth group to bond and learn together about what makes a good friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, what's ok, what's not ok, what's normal, what's safe, etc. It's a great class; I've taken it three times and personally I think every teenager should take it. It covers everything from lessons in communication to what constitutes date rape - seriously, it is a great program) had been irresponsible and hadn't taught me about the dangers of oral sex in the form of STI's, I still would have a problem with this blog post because of the part that I've bolded. Basically, they claim that mouth cancer is more likely in girls who participate in oral sex. There is no citation for this, no evidence to back up this huge claim - just this blanket statement. Where the fuck do they get this? In all the classes I've taken, which is quite a few, I've NEVER heard this. And furthermore, it doesn't make sense. Do pregnant women get cancer along with their baby when a dude ejaculates inside them? Or do guys just naturally develop testicular cancer because their balls hold semen? Not to my knowledge, and do you know why? Because it's SEMEN; it's not fucking radioactive, it's not a fucking carcinogen, it's a natural body fluid that half of the people on the planet have. If semen causes cancer, we're fucked. But this is what they're saying is the truth. What good does this do? What good does fear-mongering do? Seriously, they're trying to scare kids into not blowing each other by threatening them with cancer? Is hellfire not enough?
This stupid Christian side-hug thing is just another way of expressing this same idea - that teaching kids anything other than to just avoid intimacy of any kind until marriage will put them in danger. God dammit, teen pregnancies are highest in countries where girls are uneducated. Education is the solution to problems that arise from ignorance. If you want your kid to wait until marriage to have sex, you can raise them believing in romance and God and whatever you want, but ultimately it's their decision and if you don't give them any sort of education about the dangers that can arise from sexual relationships then you are crippling them and putting them in danger. But for the love of God, don't just make up extra shit to scare them as well. What sort of complexes are you raising your daughters to have? And honestly, if a guy's waited his whole life to have sex, how's he going to react when his wife says she won't go down on him because she doesn't want to have to breathe through a hole in her neck?
Stop lying to kids. Maybe if Bristol Palin had learned to use a condom, nobody would ever have heard of Levi Johnston. This is a lesson for us all.
You know we're in a recession when Megan Mullally, ahem, Karen Walker, is singing and dancing in the aisles of a grocery store selling butter, ahem, not butter. Not only can Karen not afford her Prozac, her Vicodin, or her dirty martinis any longer, she can't even afford to buy butter. She has to settle for the cheap shit, that spreads too easily and that the bread soaks up too well for it to be anything but not-butter.
What is even more interesting about this is that these videos are choreographed by Tyce DiOrio. Yeah. The choreographer on SYTYCD, which officially has the strangest looking acronym on the planet, who could possibly be a meth addict he's so hyper all the time and let's not even mention the beard... The 30 second TV spots lead up to a full scale music video choreographed by DiOrio, starring Karen, to be debuted on the SYTYCD Finale. I'm sorry what? CAN NO ONE GET A JOB ANYMORE?!?! Tyce is choreographing meh-inducing performances on SYTYCD (i'm sorry, I'm assuming you know what that is: So You Think You Can Dance) and bad not-butter commercials. If Karen Walker is reduced to working, you know we have a problem. I just wonder what kind of intro Cat Deeley will come up with to introduce this work of art.
This kind of stuff makes me purr with pleasure a little bit internally. The above video is Lady Gaga (of WTF outfit and sexually ambiguous video fame) speechin' at a Gay People Rally in Washington D.C. Though Ms. Butterface Crazy Pants usually gets nothing but mockery from me, today I would like to golf clap in her direction. This is because, one, she actually gave a pretty good speech, two, I love seeing her stand up for the gays over and over again, and three, I LOVED her promise to stand up against misogyny and homophobia in the pop industry! Fucking finally! SOMEONE has to! No more rap videos with "vixens" writing in the background unless the rappers are just as hot, naked, and oiled up. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
This second video is of Cynthia Nixon, who was always my favorite of the Sex and the City crew (I think we all knew she was a little dyke-ish. I mean, come on, she wore suits with skinny ties) and who solidified her place in my heart today. She does an even better speech, which really gets to the core of the entire issue of gay marriage: it's not about whether or not gays can get married. It's about the fact that treating people as if they deserve less than others sends the message that they are WORTH less than others. Taking away rights dehumanizes people. It makes it ok to hate or hurt them, because they're not as good as you, anyway. If they were, they'd have the same rights as you do, wouldn't they? But they don't. And until we're all equal, our government is supporting the alienation and endangerment of a huge part of our population. This rally is fucking awesome. Bless the fucking gays. Watch the video.
Brace yourselves: Miley Cyrus has deleted her Twitter. Noooooo! What? Where the hell will I get my news now? I have to know the important decisions of her life. Chinese food or Indian? HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT TO ORDER IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT MILEY IS ORDERING?
She said her goodbyes and explanations in a rap on YouTube (below). While this is a vain way of announcing something like this, the fact is that Miley's every move is followed by the media to a ridiculous degree so she needed to say something or people would've froke the fuck out. I mean, even with the explanation - which, by the way, was really well-thought-out, and which I, as a Twitter hater (it is completely masturbatory. I don't give a fuck about your pithy life comments, sorry. Yes, I know I have one, but that's because I'm a whore for readership on the blog), completely agree with - people are still making a huge deal about it. Apparently even her DAD is asking her to bring it back (but we all know he cares only about her well-being and didn't just like the constant publicity her Tweets brought in). Anyway, I may be the only one, but I APPLAUD YOU MILEY. I applaud any celebrity whose stance on their own fame is "Why the fuck do you guys care about everything that I do? Stop it."
Oh and by the way, since this is my first post on Milers and I'm using it as an excuse, below is the video for "Fly on the Wall." Why should you care? You shouldn't, the song is mediocre and the video is no work of genius. BUT the guy in the beginning and end scenes is Jarron Vosburg, who was one of my friends in my neighborhood when I was growing up. He's doing the Hollywood thing, and I wish him well and I get excited when I see stuff that he's doing. And being in a music video of the biggest teen pop star of the moment? That's a pretty big deal. Congrats Jarron!
So, in case you didn't know the Obamas are black. *GASP* But what I find most frustrating is this New York Times article that traces Michelle Obama's roots back to her great-great-great grandmother. The inane headline reads: In First Lady's Roots, A Complex Path From Slavery.
As far as I'm concerned, the answer to this whole controversy couldn't be simpler. He committed a crime - the rape of a thirteen year old girl. He ran from that crime, and lived for like 3 decades as a free man (continuing in his chosen profession and even winning some fucking Oscars, by the way). Now, he should go to fucking prison. The end.
I honestly don't get what Hollywood is trying to play at with this whole "Free Roman Polanski" thing. I mean, did they hear what he did? The victim's statement from 1977 has been released, and that shit is disturbing! He convinced her that he was taking her picture for French Vogue, and so got her to take off her shirt, then all of her clothes. He gave her glass after glass of champagne. He gave her a Quaalude, which made her even more susceptible to him. He ignored her when she told him to stop, to go away, to take her home. Then he went down on her (which, in a sad, almost-funny-until-you-realize-that-it-is-tragic turn, she called "cuddliness," meaning "cunnilingus" because she was fucking THIRTEEN and did not know what the real term was), then raped her vaginally, and, upon finding out that she was not on birth control, sodomized her.
She was raped - yes, Whoopi Goldberg, RAPE raped - and the man who raped her went free. It's not just a "she wanted it but was a little too young" thing, because 1. She is way more than a little too young, and 2. SHE SAID NO. If someone says no, the other person stops, OR IT IS RAPE. Who the fuck thinks that he should not serve time for this shit? This is not hard. He belongs in jail. Done.
For those of us who don't know things about high ranking government officials (me included), Ray Mabus is the Secretary of the Navy. Of the U.S. He is also in charge of the Marines and he used to be the Governor of Mississippi, and he was on Jon Stewart yesterday and he was all charming and kind of talked like Clinton, who is one of J Bear's older crushes. And he is HOT. Here he is on The Daily Show:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Ray Mabus | ||||
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| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Carbon Copout | ||||
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OKOKOK. I'm sorry I've been MIA. Turning 21 really puts one behind in responsibilities. But, the one constant during all the shenanigans that tend to be life at The Girl's House (The nickname given by our group of friends to mine, Katie D, et al's abode) has been a little show that you may or may not have heard about. I mean, it's not really that popular, and it's hasn't had that much hype surrounding it at all. So, in case you didn't know, besides Julia Nunes, the new love of my life is GLEE. It comes on every Wednesday at 9/8c on FOX.
Well this is wildly inappropriate and fucking hilarious. I don't know what it says about Hitler being in support of Taylor Swift (with her lovely blond hair and all) but this hissy fit and the accompanying captions are genius. I found it on a new site called "I'mma Let You Finish" (good God that shit got put up quickly) which has a series of lolcat type things (technical term: internet meme. Look, you learned something), all featuring or about Kanye's idiocy. Some of them are pretty funny; some of my personal favorites are below. 
And I particularly like this one because, well, I tend to like any joke uses other pop culture to poke fun at pop culture:.png)
And there's why. Everybody and their father flipped a shit about Kanye West going insane and stealing the mic from Taylor Swift (who I actually like a lot) as she was receiving an award the other night. I know my three roommates and I (CK included) all stuttered a collective "What the fffuck?" at the time. But anyway, point is, even Obama thinks he's an idiot! And we've got the audio to prove it! What I love about this clip has nothing to do with Kanye or Taylor Swift or even Obama's opinion about the incident, but more the fact that he caught himself calling Kanye a "jackass" (which, to be fair, is one of the nicer things I've heard said about him in the past couple days) and then realized that it would be all over the damn internet like "the fly thing." And then someone told him, hey, the fly thing was good for you - you're a ninja! Which is a fair point. But I love that with all the damn media outlets there are today, not only do we get the President's well planned out speeches, we get these little things too. I know it's not important, but I feel like I sort of know him better, and he's more humanized, and that makes it easier for me to trust him and relate to him. Plus it just makes him seem fucking cool. For more proof of that, I give you "the fly thing," below.
So I went and saw The Time Traveler's Wife on opening day with my mom. Who did not make for stimulating post-movie conversation. But besides that, I really enjoyed seeing Clare and Henry's life and home and clothing come to life. Those were the things that stuck out to me when reading. That and the blatant roller coaster of emotion of having your loved one torn away from you to maybe come back, maybe not, without control. That's awesome. But I feel like if you haven't read the book you are going to be COMPLETELY LOST. And Eric Bana's inability to show emotion doesn't help root the story line either. Bana's sad face and happy face and liar face is basically all the same thing. 
Liar Face vs. Happy Face vs. Sad Face
All somewhat similar. But hey, I'm no Ronfire99 so my cinematic opinion might be slightly less than reliable.
In order to really experience the story of The Time Traveler's Wife you should READ IT. What a concept, reading a book, huh? Here's the link to IndieBound, which has a database of independent booksellers. Find an independent bookstore, get off your computer, out of the house, and go buy it from a store that actually cares about you. Not the internet and not from Barnes & Noble. Because you don't even know who Barnes is, much less Noble.
So coming up on Sunday is another ABDC, but before that happens let's talk about last Sunday's Beyonce Challenge.
Some Highlights:
AFROBORIKE WAS HOT.
Even that dude with the dreads that look like too-thick spaghetti pieces had it going on. All about it.
VOGUE EVOLUTION: Who knew that you don't need the proper parts to be incredibly feminine. Femininity is not linked to a body's physicality. It is also very difficult to spell.
However, I do not approve that this:
Beat this:
AMERICA PHONE VOTING FAIL.
I'm not even sure that We Are Heroes even danced on that stage. Like yeah I get that their task was to do some intense ticking or whatever. (I do not have the proper jargon to speak about this successfully) But that chain trick was INSANE. Pure insanity. And that got sent home? I think it's all because of the weird judging/voting system that ABDC uses. After 4 seasons, I'm still not even sure that how it works. So even if I wanted to, it's not even clear enough for me to do the damn thing. That's a problem. And the obvious cause that the more talented, better looking, all-female dance crew is gone. Now we're left with strange-looking Asians who may or may not have epilepsy. Awesome.
But at least we got to see this heart-felt goodbye from Artistry in Motion:
Sorry the quality is so jankity. Oh, and the new Wilco album is out of control.
Let's get excited for some martial arts moves on Sunday... I think I might get take out for the occasion.
I know that's not the proper order of the alphabet. That's cuz it's not! It's time for a new season of Randy Jackson presents (yet never actually appears on) America's Best Dance Crew! Get excited for JC's pretentious critiques, Shane Spark's inarticulate awe, and Lil Mama's ghetto fabulous 'tude and lip gloss use. Oh, and Mario Lopez in all his glory sans rhythm or wit... Who knew that such an unrelated group of people could bring to us such an amazing experience known as ABDC!?
You can watch the whole first episode straight from MTV.com by clicking HERE. But, I'm recapping and doing introductions all around below... so if you can bear to watch without Mario, then just keep reading. I've got your back.
This season seems to bring dance crews from all over, with more obvious styles. So basically, they aren't all AZN.
And the one explicitly AZN dance crew is trying really hard not to be THAT crew. Even though they so obviously are. Fr3sh:
There's the rumba-ing, salsa-ing, throw your hips around like no one cares Afroborike.
There's Artistry in Motion. One of the girl groups. 2 Good Things: NOT SLUTTY NOT ANOREXIC. Their whole thing is that they don't look like the stereotypical dancer, but that DON'T MEAN SHIT. And they are all about giving back to the community. They all teach dance to young girls.
Second girl group: We Are Heroes. Their name kind of reminds me of a Will Smith movie.
The Reason This Show is Now Worthy For Dyxieland Coverage: VOGUE EVOLUTION. This is a crew that bring vogueing mainstream. If Shane can love it, you can love it. They not only have a tubby queen, they have a MTF Transgender crew member. And they're black. So basically every minority statisitc that anyone ever wants to talk about (MTF Transgender maybe possible being a small exception...) and these people are FEARLESS. They own it. They work it. I'm just worried they aren't dynamic enough. But I can't wait to keep watching and find out.
STUPIDEST IDEA EVER: Southern Movement. They're lame. This is not how you represent the Durrrty South. I've seen better. Now this is just tacky.
Rhythm City is our Rags to Riches crew. They represent the Bronx, NY and have an immediate ally in Lil Mama. Clean, classy, but not very creative. I hope for some innovation.
Classic B-Boy Crew: Massive Monkees. Entertaining to watch, but we've seen it. Especially on ABDC. Jabawockeez? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?
Fabulous in Hats: Beat Ya Feet Kings. They do this whole feet beating thing that is apparently the Shit in Washington, DC. Don't worry, I have field correspondents out doing research...
So that's all of the crews. Unfortunately Fr3sh was the first to "walk it out" last Sunday. Vehement denial of being the AZN crew obviously did not pay off.
UPDATE: Sorry the videos are all cut off. If you don't like it you can go and embed all that code again yourself. Thanks!
My sister was very excited about this one. So here's the news, which you may have heard, but now there's a video: Channing Tatum, that muscular guy from those dance movies (Step Up), used to be a stripper. Calm yourselves, ladies. He dressed and danced to a sort of boy-band theme, complete with the hairdo and lip-syncing, under the name Chan Crawford. He was pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing. I find stripping to be a fascinating career, but with guys it seems to be less soul-crushing and more cheesy. In his case, it's just a little embarrassing. But nice six pack! He was 18, and sadly the club had a no-nudity policy. Ok, less chatting, more video.
I missed this! Harry Potter is dating someone, who is NOT a boy, and who is NOT me. This is a crime, because I've been in love with him for years and even more since I found out that he's Jewish. British, Jewish, gay-friendly, liberal, Harry Potter. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED IN A MAN? He confirmed their dating rumors in late July (sorry, I was busy working) but they've been together since like 2007. What the hell? This Laura O'Toole bitch better watch her back. She was the understudy for the main girl in Equus with him. Daniel! You're a millionaire! At least go for the girl who got the actual part! (Although apparently Laura's been picked up to be the main girl in the next production. WHATEVER.) She's Irish and four years older than him. I look Irish and am his age, roughly.... I need to move to England.
This will be quick, but I just wanted to follow up on my HP excitement from before. Whenever anyone asks me if I liked the movie, I'm torn. Yes, the acting continues to improve. Yes, Dumbledore was done much better in this movie than he has before. In addition, the little interactions between the kids - particularly the main three - and the additions of the two hilarious characters of Lavender Brown and Prof. Slughorn were works of sheer brilliance. And Harry on Felix Felicis was probably the funniest part of the movie ("not to mention the pincers"). Plus the special effects were good. BUT. But but but. I do have my frustrations. Here are my top 5. Also, consider this your spoiler alert.
5. Ginny sucked. She's a great character in the book and in the movie she's really weird and spazzy. When she's hiding the damn book from him and she's like whispering and telling him that he can leave their kiss there too? WTF? Way to ruin a great character.
4. They cut out half the scenes with the Pensieve. Or more. We learn nothing about the Gaunts, almost nothing about Voldemort's heritage or his growth into manhood, which is like the whole fucking point of Dumbledore's lessons with Harry. A lot of other scenes, not just Pensieve ones, were shortchanged too, like when Harry convinces Slughorn to come to Hogwarts, or the whole thing about Harry following Malfoy to find out what he's up to. He gets obsessed with that. And Dobby and Kreacher weren't even in the movie! At all! AND they never introduced the Prime Minister, or mentioned the fact that Scrimgeour was the new Minister of Magic!
3. No battle at the end of the movie! Bill was supposed to be mauled, it was a major plot point leading to one of my favorite lines (when Lupin is telling Tonks that she deserves someone young and whole and Mr. Weasley looks sadly at Bill and tells him that young, whole men do not always remain that way. WEEP.) and it just wasn't in there. The Death Eaters are just supposed to walk through Hogwarts and no one is going to fucking stop them? We're supposed to believe that Dumbledore left the castle with no protection, and Harry did too? Yeah fucking right!
2. How is Harry supposed to go look for Horcruxes when he wasn't told that they're going to be things that were important to Voldemort, not to mention things that belonged to the founders? He asks if they could be anything, like a shoe, and in the BOOK Dumbledore is like, "No, dumb fuck, that's a Portkey, Voldemort wouldn't put part of his damn soul in a damn shoe," but in the movie Dumbledore's like, "Yup, sure could be in a shoe." Oh, awesome! Harry was almost totally in the dark when looking for Horcruxes in the book, but here he doesn't even have a fucking place to start!
1. They burned down the fucking BURROW? WHAT THE HELL? And Harry chases Bellatrix into the swamp lands that magically appeared around the house and fucking FENRIR is there? Who, by the way, they never explain. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO ADD TO THE PLOT? I understand stuff like in the fifth movie they made Cho tell Umbridge about the DA rather than Marietta, because it all comes to the same thing anyway and this way they don't have to waste time introducing a character and they don't have to add the scene where Umbridge uses the Veritaserum on Harry so they just cut to the chase, but this scene adds nothing. If anything, it adds a sense of instability that wasn't even in the book. There were a few safe places, and the Burrow was one of them, and now that's lost. It's supposed to be a big fucking blow, like a HUGE breach of ministry security when the Death Eaters show up at the wedding at the Burrow in the 7th book. Will there even be a wedding now? Bill and Fleur weren't introduced as being engaged, and their wedding's where the whole thing about the Hallows starts for Harry. How are they going to start the fucking next movie? What were they thinking?? Shit.
Yes, that is what I consider quick, because I could go on about this for a long time. If you kept up with my crazed rambling I salute you and recommend that you see a counselor. And for Harry Potter day at camp, I went as Fawkes the Phoenix. My sister was Dobby. We love camp/Harry Potter!
And welcome back CK!
So last year in preparation for her Oral French Final, my roommate (J Bear) and I were going over her prompts. One of them was something like: What would your ideal world be like? You had to answer in French. Tired, annoyed at inane questions, and ready to be done with that shit, her answer went something like this: "Dans mon monde ideal, il y aurait les petits chevaux sur tout le monde!" ("In my ideal world, there would be tiny horses everywhere!") To which I added something weird and she continued with something else weird and so on and so forth. Completely amused with ourselves, we dissolved into giggles and barely finished the prompt.
Well, J Bear, it is with good spirits that I inform you that your ideal world is close at hand. 
Koda, a dwarf American Miniature horse (that is, American Miniature is already a breed of teensy equines, and Koda is a dwarf one) is a beautiful, 13-month-old, cat-sized creature who is often mistaken for a battery-operated toy. Koda was born with a lot of health problems, like wonk legs and teeth that are too big for his lil mouf, but he's had surgery to work on some of his problems and he's recovered well. Other "problems" are that he has "bulging eyes, upturned nostrils and a wrinkled nose" but (maybe this is awful) I think that makes him look even freaking cuter. They thought they would have to put him down at birth, but he's still doing well. He's about 23 inches tall, which is about as high as a normal horse's knee, and he's not expected to grow any more. Can I get an "awwwwwww?" More pics below courtesy of the Daily Mail. 
Hello dwindling Dyxieland readers! I'm back. After 9 weeks of working in 106 degree weather telling kids to bend their left elbow as they shoot a bow and arrow I finally return. Thanks to Katie D. for holding down the fort while we both worked our camp counselor magic on the youth of America. You know, the future and shit.
So I did miss a lot of prime blogging opportunities and was kind of out of the loop of the real world stuff. But I did get the memo that Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and the OxyClean guy died. Since we all knew about that, I wanted to bring to you some things that People Magazine isn't covering, much less knows about.
First.
Anyone But Me is a webseries that just finished it's first season. It focuses on the relationship of a young lesbian couple living in an explicitly post-9/11 world.
What I love about the plot is that it's not about coming out or reasons why. The orientation of it's characters is a characteristic of a human being and not a reason why for plot development. It just shows the relationship of two young girls trying to keep it together when one of them moves to Westchester from NYC due to her dad's 9/11 related health issues. The other thing i love about the show is the obvious chemistry between Vivian and Aster (VivSter) played by Rachael Hip-Flores and Nicole Pacent. Who, in their interview at Autostraddle, are delightfully nerdy. But nerdy/cool, kind of like Marty McFly pre-time traveling Delorean. I mean, Rachael talks about the His Dark Materials Trilogy. GUSH. Don't worry, we've already twittered about it.
It's not all lesbolicious. Like the L-word. Which was basically soft-core porn. I mean, there are prime time television shows that are racier than ABM. But there is something for everyone. It addresses urban/suburban dynamics, racial prejudice, straight relationships. I'm not lying when I say it's a modern interpretation of a coming-of-age story. It's not written by your mother or her tennis-playing-afternoon-bloody-mary-drinking friend who want you to come of age according to their divine plan. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It has an opinion, a point of view that is all it's own, and girls kissing. Did I mention there are girls kissing? WOO!
Second.
Julia Nunes. [pronounced NOONS]
Thanks best friend for posting this video on my facebook wall.
So then, after falling in love with this Julia Nunes' big blue eyes, ballsy voice, and ukulele use, I watched most of her videos and came to the conclusion that she so cute! I might be in Love. Internets love of course. I've never seen anyone use such perfectly timed YouTube video tags. She's turned it into an art. I'm all about it. Turns out Nunes is a college student (like me) posting videos from her room at home (like me) or her dorm room (like me) and opened for Ben Folds (not like me) and has cd's you can buy on iTunes (not like me). And she doesn't just do covers. She writes songs like this:
Ch-ch-check her out.
Twitter
Myspace
Youtube
Official Website
iTunes
Third.
Someone wants to make Green Day's American Idiot album into a musical.
Who do they have to play St. Jimmy? John Gallagher Jr.
Who is that you ask? Click here for a memory refresher.
A Green Day Broadway musical? Sounds sketchy to me. It seems like they are trying to create Spring Awakening part Deux. But created by the cheaper, second cousin of Spring Awakening. Or like, it's the pokemon trade of a hoilfoil Weavil for a platinum edition Charazard. Or something. Potentially benefical, but most likely not.
I now declare Dyxieland somewhat stable and living after our summer hiatus. So check back for more! viva!
I have my tickets for the midnight showing already (JULY 14, mark your calendars!). Basically everyone I work with at camp (I believe) will be there - it's going to be a whole thing. The day before will be "Harry Potter" day at camp, and we're all supposed to come in costume. I'm thinking of trying to be a centaur, but I'm not sure how I'd do it. Being Hermione or Ginny seems so obvious and boring, you know? And I'm not short enough to be a House-Elf (that's what my sister's doing). My work is very important to me, so I'm really going to have to brainstorm this shit.
Ok, so I may not have as much time to be on the computer during the summer as the school year (two jobs, hence far fewer posts, sorry folks) but when I DO have time I like to waste it by going to sites that amuse me. Some are blogs, some are ways to live vicariously through others' stupidity - whatever. But assuming that not everyone wastes quite as much time as me, I'm here to share some of my favorites with you. You're welcome.
1.
Obviously. I'm in college, so this is a requirement. I never had a MySpace, but my sister did, and I always thought it was obnoxious and brightly colored in a way that burned my eyes and for some reason it always sang at me and I couldn't make it stop anywhere near fast enough. Bam, here comes Facebook, which is (until the creation of apps, and now still if you keep them in check) clean, neat, and easy to navigate. It's fantastic. You can be "friends" with people you barely know, literally never speak to them (face to face or in type) and yet know all about them and look at all their hilarious drunken photos. Plus, the bumpersticker app is the shiz. Of course, friends' parents and my small cousins (one just turned 10) now have facebooks, so I have to be slightly more careful, but mostly this just entails blocking them from seeing certain pictures of me and not giving a fuck otherwise.
Facebook.com
2.
This site is not for the faint of heart, and not for those who are not truly dedicated to celebrity gossip. We here at Dyxieland update whenever we have a vague inkling of something to say and a good half hour on our hands. Michael K, Dlisted's guru, updates about two pages PER DAY. By himself. I mean, granted, it's his full-time job, but that is intense! This is someone who I'd love to be friends with in for real life: he's a bitchy gay dude who lives in NYC and is proud of his whorishness and drinking and loves to share his glittery opinions and obsessions and personal anecdotes with the world. He is where I get about half of my vocabulary and 78% of my joy.
Dlisted.com
3. Fmylife
This was the first in a series of a few websites, others listed below, that I found that depend on people giving experiences from their own lives up for the amusement of others. Fmylifes always start with "Today" and end with "FML" but what comes in between is basically anything that happened to you that is pathetic, embarrassing, sad, and (most importantly) funny that you'd like to share with the universe. Example: #163888 Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
Bahaha. That blows. Anyway, after this site, another appeared, which is amusing in the same way that British humo(u)r is amusing. In the same vein, MyLifeIsAverage is where people can provide things that happened to them that are humdrum, or that could've been catastrophic but worked out just fine. Vaguely amusing, but like those in-depth things your boyfriend or girlfriend tell you about traffic - nothing to write home about.
Fmylife.com
4. Notalwaysright
As in, the customer is... notalwaysright. Unlike Fmylife, this site provides entire conversations, rather than 2-3 line anecdotes, all of which happened at someone's workplace. It's basically a catalog of how fucking stupid people can be when they're the customer, and how they can act in erratic and highly entertaining ways when they don't get what they want. This site also introduced me to the term "PEBCAK" (Problem Exists between Chair and Keyboard) which I've been trying to insert into daily life ever since.
Notalwaysright.com
5. Textsfromlastnight
"Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do." This site makes me want to be sluttier and drunker more often, in a good way. It updates pretty much constantly, and includes texts, in convo or one-liner form, that people sent to friends/hookups/boyfriends/strangers that give a glimpse of crazy shit that goes down with people from my generation. Example:
(970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It generally encourages random sex, heartlessness, drunkenness, and blackouts. Obviously I find it hilarious.
TFLN.com
6. Lolcats
It all started with a simple captioned picture of a cat. Now it's an internet (or life) phenom. The premise is simple: cats are strange. People take strange pictures of cats. They then caption them, often mimicking the cats' inner dialogue as we imagine it would be. Hilarity ensues.
The picture that started it all:
icanhascheezburger has spawned sister sites, such as:
roflrazzi, which is like Lolcats for celebrities,
totallylookslike, which compares pictures of products/people/inanimate objects that resemble each other in eerie ways,
punditkitchen, which is like Lolcats for political figures,
graphjam, which makes up funny graphs,
and failblog, which shows pictures of epic, epic fails. All worth a look and a chuckle.
icanhascheezburger.com
7. ASofterWorld
It's a comic that's not always funny, sometimes really weird, often focused on zombies, and typically a little crude or unsettling. I think I might like it because it reminds me of my friends. It's pictures of things that may or may not be directly related to the text, then text that is superimposed on the pictures. Interesting, unique, worth checking out.
Asofterworld.com
8. BeyondCynicism
Beyond being a shameless plug for my comic- (and comic book-) writing friend, I actually find these comics to be pretty funny, if hopelessly geeky (but that makes it better in a way. It's a niche!). Two guys, Ron and Marty, write and draw the comic, and sometimes do commentary/blog posts/rants underneath the comics that may or may not actually have to do with the content of the work above. Updates are infrequent but the jokes are good, sometimes relevant to pop culture, and more often than not include some sort of video game/comic book reference. Maybe if enough people read it, the guys will feature Chatty Kathy or myself (but since CK isn't writing about them it really should probably just be me) in the comic one day. Hey, he already put me in a comic book. Maybe I shouldn't be greedy? That sounds unlike me.
BeyondCynicism
9. 
This is an interesting blog because it is written by former commenters on another blog that was killed by the falling economy (Mollygood). I was a commenter for a while, and I mainly went to the site because so many people who posted were intelligent and witty. When MG died they floated around Jossip (a sister, but like a slow and incompetent sister to MG) for a while before saying "fuck this shit" and developing their own site. While I find the term "Squee" to be obnoxious to the max, the ladies (and maybe gentlemen?) who run TS are really clever and just obviously write for the fun of it. Also, the commenters are vitally important to the site, which I find refreshing and cool for a blog.
TS.com
10. Maddox/ Tucker Max
Maddox is crude, offensive, creative, and recently really really popular. Tucker Max's blog site is headed by the words "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." The two of them, Maddox who writes an opinion blog and Tucker who runs a blog about all his drunken exploits (it's like TFLN but from one guy), hang out occasionally (since their fame) and are incredibly successful assholes together (and separately). I'm pretty sure they're also just really clever and found a niche that made them really popular. No matter if they're jerks or geniuses, thebestpageintheuniverse and tuckermax.com are full of fantastically funny rants and stories. Not for novices.
Maddox
TuckerMax.com
GO WASTE TIME NOW!!
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